The secret clue

I am still kind of sick but this morning I feel nauseous for a whole different reason: a few years ago I was asked to submit a piece of writing for publication in NYC-based magazine that mostly publishes visual art -- you know, photos, drawings, and 2-d installations -- but was planning a small fiction section. Getting asked to submit to something is kind of an ego boost, but it's also freaky: if my story turns out to be some kind of monstrous little creature, will they feel (more) obligated to accept it because they feel responsible for its existence? Is this just paving the way for some day in the future when I won't care if I'm making terrible work, because my ego will be so big?

So, I wrote the story and sent it in. Two years ago. Then, the magazine started to have some publication delays, which was frustrating at first but then became a relief. I knew, when I was writing the story, that it was inspired by autobiography -- someone who read it described it as auto-fan fiction, which has a narcissistic suggestion that I like -- but not until later did it occur to me that among the people who'd be receiving free copies of this magazine in the mail when it eventually came out were the ex-friend and ex-boyfriend who were the (veiled, thinly) inspirations for the story itself -- not in some lame and naive character-to-person correspondence way, just in terms of the story itself.

I guess I get so into the mode of thinking that everything can be inspiration for writing that I forget the danger: when other people recognize themselves, they also recognize me and realize something about me, about the things I hold on to, even about the things I never bothered to tell them.

Anyway, as much as I like to pretend I am, I'm not narcissistic enough to think anyone would be sure to notice my short story in a 300+ page magazine, or even 100% definitely recognize themselves in my writing -- I mean, people always just think what they want to anyway, right? I guess all I hope is that my story is good and that there are no weird editorial changes and that the community is not scandalized. I guess I will open this when I get home tonight.