Either she pooped in a bucket or she didn't

I thought that apartment in Greenpoint was going to work out, but then it fell through! I'm still looking for a place. Yesterday I went to look at an apartment that advertised itself as having three bedrooms/two bathrooms and wood floors. One of the bathrooms is private (aka only for the actress from San Francisco who was renting out the other two bedrooms), and the wood floors are actually that wood veneer tile stuff that you can buy at Ikea! Take your lies somewhere else, you cheating hippie! (Not that everyone from San Francisco is a cheating hippie obvs.)

I just saw this on Craigslist:

$825 Non-smoking petless girl to move into cool Williamsburg apt.

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Reply to: hous-461266805@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-27, 12:44PM EDT


I'm looking for someone to take over my room in our awesome apartment one and one half blocks from the Grand Street (L) subway station on a quiet block in East Williamsburg. I'm moving because I got a job far away that starts at 7:00am and that's too early to commute from here.

The Apartment: You will pay half the rent (you can see the lease when you sign it) on a two bedroom railroad garden apartment. Your room is in front and has a higher ceiling (very high!) and a bigger closet and your roomate's room is in back and is attached to the garden. Of course you have use of the garden, but will have to go through her room (she's totally cool about this). The large garden is exclusively ours and the two twenty-something year old guys who live across the hall, but I've never really seen them use it (they're cool, but barely ever home). The apartment was renovated during the summer just before we moved in and is totally new and very nice (kitchen, bathroom, windows, doors, floors, paint, everything is new and nice!) The building is small-three floors with two apartments on each. Both bedrooms are large by NYC standards and are roughly the same size. The middle room (common space) is a combo/kitchen and living room and has very little in the way of furniture, so a small couch of yours may be welcome (you'd have to discuss that with your new roommate). Of course, anything you can fit in your unfurnished room is welcome. It easily and comfortably fits a full bed, dresser, desk, tv stand, chair, etc. Each bedroom has it's own private entrance/exit to the building's hallway. The neighborhood has plenty of stores (including Payless!!!) and supermarkets, bars, launrdy, restaurants, etc all very close.

The Roommate: She's very cool and easy to live with. She's clean and rarely home, as she's a teacher, has a serious boyfriend who lives two blocks away, and has a very active social life and goes out frequently. She's in her late twenties and funny, smart and stylish. She's girly (like she puts on twenty five outfits and elicits your opinion on each before going out) but she's not excessively so (she spent a month in Ecaudor this summer and stayed in some nice hotels, but also spent a good portion of that trip essentially pooping in buckets). She's also pretty hot, so watch your boyfriends! She likes to drink a nice bottle of wine and doesn't smoke weed, but doesn't really mind if I do, but no alkies or druggies, please. And she doesn't care if you socially smoke or whatever, but she'd like for someone not to smoke cigarettes in the apartment. She's not looking for a new best friend or anything and will totally respect your privacy and ask that you respect hers, and she's not looking for her clone, but she would like someone sort of like herself. In other words, you should be: in your twenties, fun/social, not dumpy or frumpy, not butchy or tom-boyish, well-educated, fashionable, relatively clean, have a normal job and be responsible with bills and rent. If you are not these things, please don't waste our time making us meet you and feel badly when we have to then giggle and smirk after you leave and come up with a suitably compassionate lie to reject you. I'm sorry to be so frank, but I don't want to waste your or our time and energy. Also, she has a cat and doesn't want anymore pets.

We're looking for someone to move in on December 1st or a few days before that.

Thank you for your interest...serious inquiries only.

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This must be totally fake, right? There's so much to dissect: Writing in the 3rd person. So much excitement for Payless. No tomboys. But also no best friends. And you have to watch your roommate try on 25 different outfits while she's getting ready. Unless you leave secretly through your separate exit!
In other news, I went to see Morrissey last night and whoa.