zoe likes pets

Be on the couch chillin shorts on, reading a book

2010-02-02T10:52:00.001-05:00

Happy 2010! It snowed for most of January and I spent my time in the coziest spots I could find: my bed, the library, Paris in the 3eme. I slipped on the ice a few times, but I didn't fall... not that I'm ruling it out as a possibility for February.

Here are some foods that I want to try to make:

pie crust with interesting flour
a savory ricotta cheesecake, maybe this one
the perfect zucchini pancakes (still searching...)
caramelized onion butter

I have been listening to: Beach House, Lady Gaga, The Gossip, Ghostface, a romantic Phish mix that was made for me, a writing mix of sad bastard songs, Julian Casablancas, Rhino's New Wave Hits compilation (15 vols), La Roux (sounds good again after it sounded bad for a little while), and all the old faves. If you want me to, I will make you a personalized mix.

I have also been trying to find a good website for buying deadstock designer glasses after Baker told me about this one that is for deadstock Swatches. Any suggestions?

I will try to blog more!

we live in switzerland!

2009-10-08T11:54:00.002-04:00

Our apartment is cute, made cuter by scrubbing, airing out, and adding our own. The neighborhood is laid out like a tree branch, with one big street and lots of alleys and side roads winding up and down the hills, even under buildings. Last night we found a pizza place and a store that sells baskets, honey, and beans, just steps from the library where we've been meeting to walk home at night.

The library is where I am now and where I'm planning to go most days. It's a medium-sized library two and a half flights up, inside a big building, Palais de Rumine. The first time I came, I missed the library and ended up in an atrium full of Museum of Natural History-style taxidermied mammals and birds. There's also a cafe in here, with the most affordable sandwiches in Lausanne.

The reading room at the library has long blond wood tables (no veneer here) with individual reading lamps and laptop plugs. It's perfectly quiet. In the past nearly two years, it's been hard for me to write. Sometimes it has felt like I've forgotten how I ever got words onto the page, turned pages into a cohesive something. I have felt stuck, unable to make anything. But I've also felt trapped by the obligations that my writing has produced in my life: papers, screenplays, reports, treatments, stories, instructional resources... more and more, the obligations began to overwhelm me, and I wished for the freedom of pre-graduate school life. Had the last few years of my life been a mistake? I thought, if I could only have a semester free of work, free of new obligations, I could catch up, I could finish. But I also thought that I was kidding myself: that something deeper was wrong.

Well, maybe it was, maybe it is: I looked at the wikipedia page for "Writer's Block"; a neurologist thinks she's found a brain-related explanation. All kinds of things can make the creative mind falter and struggle. But this is about more than creativity, it's about catching up, getting organized, getting free: working. And even when I can't find anything else to inspire me, I am inspired by a desire for my friends and loved ones to see me productive, thriving; not failed, not lazy. Working.

So, I sit here at a desk on the mezzanine of the reading room at the library and I type. It's mostly fits and starts, with some bursts of inspiration. Doing silly things like writing emails or posting to my tumblr sometimes helps if I'm feeling stuck. I don't know if I believe the neurologist, but still, it reminds me of what people say about re-learning to walk or talk after a brain trauma, at least metaphorically: your neural pathways adapt, networks shift, and (hopefully) some day your limbs or words are your own again. Until then, I'll keep working through the fits and starts and see what I can make happen.

que onda lausanne

2009-09-22T04:07:00.003-04:00

Switzerland is the Orinda of Europe. Orinda is a town I used to pass on the BART the autumn that I lived in Walnut Creek. It has a movie theater marquis that looks beautiful from the train, and people say it's one of the most desirable places to live in northern California. I often thought about what it would be like to live there, although I never actually got off the train to look around.

Here, people are really friendly at the bank, and at the supermarket everyone calls you "madame" and tells you to have a good weekend in French that's as sing-songy as my elementary school French teacher's.

Lausanne, the city I'm going to live in, is pristine and boring-looking, with a mixture of nineteenth-century apartment buildings that have big windows (kind of Paris style, but frillier) and 1970s Euro apartment blocks.

We're going to be living in a Euro apartment block, but for right now we're staying in a town about 20 minutes from Lausanne on the train, with an American expatriate who got laid off from her finance job in Geneva that she moved here for from Paris last year. She sits on her patio and smokes and talks to her other expatriate friends back in Paris on the phone. I've been cooking a lot, missing home a little, swimming in the lake, and trying to avoid spending any money whatsoever.

It's hard to remember what the new apartment looks like, because we only saw it quickly last Thursday, after a week of apartment-related rejections and immediately after seeing a share occupied by a Polish science graduate student, a ferret and a cat, and by the time we got to this place (our place) I think we both felt too desperate to judge the tile floors and peach-colored wardrobe too harshly. When the woman told us she was offering it to us, I didn't believe it would really work out. I still don't completely believe it, but something clicked for me when we went back to the building on Saturday and accidentally met the super, and he knew about us: the young American couple.

On the streets of Lausanne ladies wear bright colored jogging suits and sit at outdoor cafes with purebred dogs and shopping bags. The public art features giant squirrels, swirls, dream-catchers, and "murals" made out of different kinds of plants.

But on our street there's an Asian grocery store that sells jars of pickled shrimp and giant spiky fruits, and a Salvation Army. Down the street you can buy young coconuts for only 3.50, which would be a good price anywhere. I think this apartment, whatever it actually looks like, is going to be a nice place to sit and write, listen to neighbors talking, and drink coffee while it gets cold outside.

Come visit!

Beerito Nights

2009-09-08T19:44:00.009-04:00

I'm moving to Switzerland tomorrow! This may come as a surprise to some regular readers of zoelikespets, but some of you already know.

Tonight, I had my annual check-up and now I'm drinking iced coffee and listening to David Byrne, packing up some boxes of my mom's old clothes and my old clothes that a Japanese woman I found on the free-cycling message board is coming to pick up.

Last week, the reason I am moving to Switzerland came to visit me in New York. He learned about Brooklyn, saw how crazy my family is, and helped me eat enough Mexican food to last us a year.

Last month (August!) I went to Florida to staycation with the family of the reason I'm moving to Switzerland and got tan enough to last me a year, then went to Louisiana and got mosquito bitten enough to last me a year. It goes without saying that I met some real great people, fell in love with some dogs and some places, and also that now I talk like a southerner (a fact that was confirmed by Mara last week).

This summer I taught some kids who I thought would be less bratty than other kids I've taught, because they were "underprepared," but who turned out to already be prepared (personality-wise, at least) to attend one of our nation's elite institutions. I also took NJ Transit a bunch of times, which led to me setting a record re: getting depressed on/about public transportation, and made me disillusioned about WaWa too.

Tomorrow I will wake up, get a leg wax, buy a camera, eat lunch with my dad, take yoga, maybe say goodbye to some neighborhood friends, go to the airport, and get on a plane!

I hope they have kombucha and watermelons in Switzerland!

Seven weeks of river walkways

2009-07-20T23:00:00.003-04:00

In other news, I still haven't seen that Harry Potter movie, or Star Trek, or the Woody Allen movie with Larry David! I'm annoyed by everyone who tells me the Woody Allen movie is terrible when I tell them I want to see it. To me, that's like if you were eating Cheetos and you offered me some, and I said "ugh, Cheetos are gross." Or if you offered me a sip of your Coke, and I told you that it contains high fructose corn syrup.

Um, another thing that annoys me are those blogs about misspelled signs. "Panini's" is not funny. It's nice that you're good at noticing spelling/punctuation errors, but taking pictures of them and then writing captions like "oh, you have panini's? Do you also have salad's and soup's?" makes you sound like a proofreader who just got laid off from their job and is angry with the world. The only part of it that is funny to me is that the people who made those signs probably don't care about spelling as much as the spelling bloggers do, and would probably actually think it was weird or even funny that someone else was making it into a big deal. In your FACE, spelling bloggers.

Seven weeks of reading papers, seven weeks of feeling guilty

2009-07-20T20:48:00.008-04:00

This summer I have a job that is lucky but at the same time boring and annoying. I guess that's how it's been with all my summer jobs, but this time there are no friends to bet on horses/sing karaoke/eat tapas with... just co-workers who gather once a week, when we're all in town at once, to eat nachos and drink pinot noir and complain about students.

The job is in New Jersey, and at first I was planning to stay there for the whole summer, but after one weekend in an empty dorm building, having ghost-y nightmares and irritable days (possibly fueled in part by the new antihistamine I was taking), I realized I couldn't handle a summer of silent contemplation in the Garden State and became a weekend commuter, staying with my dad or friends and toting my laundry around to wash for free in the basement of the dorm, right next to the university's radio station.

I thought it would be relaxing not to have to worry about having an apartment, but it's annoying. I feel like I'm forgetting something, and I kind of feel like I've already forgotten something. My stuff is stored in four places, so I'll probably never know for sure. When I left for Paris, I was in a hurry. Last week I looked for my mom's wedding ring and couldn't find it, but I didn't really get too worried. I'm sure it's in some other jewelry box inside some other carton in some other closet. I found my French press instead, and made some coffee.

I'm staying at my dad's this weekend and I've been cleaning out the kitchen. High up on a stepstool-accessible shelf is cookware that my mom packed up in plastic bags, to keep away the greasy kitchen dust, and labeled: juicer, ice cream maker, ceramic dishes, birthday napkins, espresso machine. I think she always imagined that someday she'd have a kitchen big enough. Now, my juicer is up there next to hers, unbagged, gathering dust and I'm using a vegetable brush to scrub the smudged fingerprints my dad never notices off glasses and plates, scrape the tea stains off spoons and mugs.

The disappointing unremarkable-ness of this summer is a letdown. I was hoping it would be something that it's not -- I was hoping I'd get swept up. I keep hoping for something really fulfilling, maybe even amazing, but I keep ending up on the train, by myself.

If there's such a thing, I'm an expectation addict. I love to dream about the future -- it makes me feel creative and focused. I like to believe that someday I will have a big enough kitchen, or even if I don't, that someday after that, I will. I like to think that everyone will get along in the future -- not, like, worldwide, just the ones that are around me. I've been trying to live in the moment, on the couch, out of a suitcase, not knowing where I'll be in one month or six months or a year, but I don't think like it. It scares me. It bores me. Spontaneity is rad, but is it really spontaneous if it doesn't interrupt some plan that you thought you had?

On Wednesday I bought a plane ticket, out of New York. The idea is, I'll be gone for the year. The idea wasn't mine, but the plan is mine now. My plan is, I go away to Europe for a year, and when I come back, maybe I won't come back to New York at all. Maybe I'll go to Los Angeles, or New Orleans, or some pond upstate. Maybe I've got it even more than that all figured out already, but I'm just not going to tell you. It's all gonna go down the way I figured it out, or maybe something else will happen. I will try to keep you posted.

Arts In Review

2009-07-19T18:18:00.003-04:00

You know that Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt movie that's all about how their characters' relationship doesn't work out? (In case you haven't heard of it, that's not a spoiler, that really is, supposedly, what the movie is all about.) Well, I just don't understand why anyone would waste Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt on a movie about BREAKING UP.

It is almost as bad as how that movie "Pumpkin" used every single Belle and Sebastian song from "If You're Feeling Sinister," and now every time I hear those songs in other movies I think of special needs athletes.

I heard this song was about art

2009-07-13T11:56:00.002-04:00

The year was 1999.

Fringe, cowboy hats, and bedazzled clothing were making heads turn.

Bill Clinton was getting good press despite his recent impeachment hearing.

The Yankees swept their second World Series in a row.

Hilary Swank was in the prime of her career.

People really liked "American Beauty."

The music world seemed lost (well, except for that one Smog album). But then, as 1999 drew to a close, America witnessed a musical event that held all the promise of the new millenium:

Now, I am not trying to dispute the fact that Christopher Cross is an amazing musician, or that he has a voice of gold. But please, just watch this and try to tell me that the cover is not a worthy tribute to the original. First of all, look at J.C. Chasez jamming with C.C. at 2:00... you know he is a fan. Second, the Jesus poses. Third, how awesome were the late 90s? The Billboard Awards had so much money that they could just fly everyone over the audience... twice.

This one goes out to the haters, and the lovers. You know who you are. And so does J.C.

Hi.

2009-06-23T13:09:00.003-04:00

I'm back from France! But I am living in New Jersey, working. It is picturesque, like what David Byrne warns against in many Talking Heads songs, but I miss Paris and, yes, Parisians. Even fake Parisians.

Cannes, canettes

2009-05-14T07:12:00.003-04:00

I got to Cannes on Monday and had to walk uphill for like a million years to the cruddy vacation rental where we're being put up.

I forgot an important dress in Paris, my camera broke, I fell down and gave myself a burn-unit on my ankle and a goose-egg on my elbow, my sunglasses suspiciously disappeared during a fancy luncheon, my internship moved offices without telling me, and I still think French people are ehh. But then last night, I was running errands for my (found) internship, and outside the Palais des Festivals I saw dozens of excited people in eveningwear holding up signs saying "just one invitation please for Up."

We went to the late show, I snuck my camera in to take pictures of us in 3-d glasses and fancy dresses, and I cried during almost the whole movie, because it had Ed Asner and balloons and dogs and birds and a fat little Asian kid.

Now I'm sitting in a beach-view suite filled with tacky glass and red metal furniture, looking at pictures of puppies snuggling with a squirrel and trying to decide what to have for lunch for the next month.

This came from another part of the world.

2009-04-24T23:00:00.001-04:00

It is made out of particles from Africa, Europe, and America!

I am excited because I am going to Paris in one week! Look for me in business class, wearing a onesie.

You might have heard that I like pets

2009-04-11T23:58:00.003-04:00

There is a bunny in Alabama looking for a home for Easter. Also, a Blue Heeler.

Elsewhere, some kids were recently late to their babysitter, an angry lady threw a bunch of stuff around, and some puppies are missing!

But if you were worried about what the world is coming to, don't be, because this Australian Cattle Dog swam five miles through shark infested waters, survived on an island called Saint Bees (who is Saint Bees??) for months by eating wild goats, and then got rescued and went back to normal!

Okay, seriously, who is Saint Bees???

Popover and kefir sales are down...

2009-03-29T10:57:00.003-04:00

Last night Whole Foods celebrated Earth Hour by turning off "non-essential" lights in the store. I was there on the scene at the Union Square Whole Foods, where the Earth Hour Promise was translated as killing the lights in the bagel/scone case, the refrigerated dairy case, the leafy green vegetable wall. Not dimmed were the lights in the frozen food case, over the salad bar, and... everywhere else.

In other "green news," the new issue of Metropolitan Home is about eco-friendly construction and renovation. The highlights for me: lots of cedar-slat screens, a modernist organic community garden in Napa, cargotecture (container architecture) and some meatball recipes.

In me news, you might already know that I just got back from Morocco, but you might not know that I am addicted to the paddle ball game that came with my phone. I started playing it on the airplane home, and now, I play it on the subway to avoid thinking about the messed up train schedules and annoying commuters.

Your mission (or, ARG)

2009-02-26T08:56:00.003-05:00

From: xxxxx

Date: February 24, 2009 2:35:39 PM EST

To: Zoe

Subject: Documentary Film Project Opportunity

Emmy Award Winning Creator of Word World on PBS Kids Seeks Documentary Team to Record the Creation of a New, Innovative, Tween Property:

The creator and CEO of Emmy Award winning Preschool series Word World, which airs on PBS Kids, is ramping up to launch a new, technology-based tween entertainment property. It's partially funded by the Department of Education, and teaches literacy through an entirely new genre: experiential fiction, or "x-fi": an interactive story format that offers new, more meaningful ways for fans to interact with media. The property simultaneously features animated TV storytelling, webisodes, mobile applications, gaming and content, graphic novels, online gaming experiences which influence the outcome of the overall "mission", collector cards, a peer-to-peer social network that includes blogging, emails, and texting, and offline components including real world challenges, meetings and prizes to be sent directly to kid participants.

The development team of this property is comprised of best in class creators: an Emmy award winning TV producer, an MIT expert in gaming, an urban fashion and lifestyle mogul,a creator of Spawn and Batman, and an inventor of the Alternate Reality Game (or ARG) movement -- the creator of the first well known ARG called "The Beast".

We are looking for a student or group of students with a strong interest and some background in documentary. If interested, please contact xxxxx at xxxxx@blablabla.com with a resume, a brief essay explaining why you would like to be involved in the project, and preferred method of contact. If you meet the qualifications, you will be contacted for an interview.

No Fat, No Sugar, No T.I.

2009-02-14T10:07:00.001-05:00

The organic pastry flour was sold out at Whole Foods, so instead of baking I made a mix !

I'm Not Your Neighbor (Questionable and Cutesy Mix '09)
Barstool Blues - Neil Young
Sugar on My Tongue - Talking Heads
Tourist in Your Town - The Pink Mountaintops
Just Us - Cam'ron
Can You Please Crawl Out Your Window - Bob Dylan
Wig Wam Bam - The Sweet
The World's a Mess, it's in My Kiss - X
Lover Lover Lover - Leonard Cohen
Steal Away - Mary J. Blige
Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes - Paul Simon
Shake Some Action - The Flamin' Groovies
Is it Really So Strange - The Smiths
Hounds of Love - Kate Bush
Oh Yoko - John Lennon
Papa Was a Rodeo - The Magnetic Fields
Here Comes the Sun - Nina Simone
4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy) - Bruce Springsteen

Happy Valentines Day to you!

2009-02-04T09:45:00.001-05:00

I'm at the airport and I just went to the saddest Jamba Juice ever: that song 'Heartbeats' by the Knife was playing... Over and over. At first I was psyched, but then the reality of the situation became clear. Now I never want to hear that song again.

I'm going to Mexico, p.s.

There are lots of children, foreigners, and old people on this flight, and one of the stewardesses is very high strung. But who cares, because in 6 hours I'll be eating mangoes and sitting in a palapa wearing a sun dress.

Omg, I think possibly all the children on this plane are one family.

Anyways, so long, suckas!

What excites the French?

2009-02-02T23:26:00.007-05:00

I have so many questions about this, but I don't know where to start.

Do you remember how you felt when you learned how the eyeball works, visited the Sagrada Familia, got to the end of "Planet of the Apes," or found out how much people care about purses? You know, like, "I thought I understood this world, but now, looking at this unfinished cathedral that's still being built, I realize that it is vast and mysterious, and I will never really understand it." That's how I feel when I watch this video.

Where's Jill Zarin?

2009-01-18T23:40:00.008-05:00

"In our Western tradition, the exemplary case of a traumatic Real is the Jewish Law. In the Jewish tradition, the divine Mosaic Law is experienced as something externally imposed, contingent, and traumatic--in short, as an impossible/real Thing that "makes the law." What is arguably the ultimate scene of religious-ideological interpellation--the pronouncement of the Decalogue on Mount Sinai--is the very opposite of something that emerges "organically" as the outcome of the path of self-knowing and self-realization. The Judeo-Christian tradition is thus to be strictly opposed to the New Age gnostic problematic of self-realization or self-fulfillment: when the Old Testament enjoins you to love and respect your neighbor, this does not refer to your imaginary semblable/double, but to the neighbor qua traumatic Thing."
-Slavoj Zizek

Highlight for me: the Lubavichers chanting "What do we want? Moshiach!" and then realizing it would be totally controversial to say "When do we want it? Now!"

From Alternet.

Your cultural liaison

2009-01-18T00:40:00.000-05:00

Watching "Notorious" was kind of like watching the new 90210: the whole thing is awesome, but the most exciting parts are when someone I know is mentioned by name (David Silver, Clive Davis) or shows up on-screen, wearing a nametag (Kimberly Jones!) from their job in a department store.

Okay, maybe the new 90210 isn't "awesome." But aren't you a little worried about Adrianna?

I was annoyed when I got home because my downstairs neighbors were having a party, and I am so sleepy that I even thought about going downstairs in my pajamas and asking them to keep it down, even though I'm opposed to that on principle. But they totally killed it themselves about 10 minutes ago with some acoustic guitar harmonies. Wait, now someone is on their balcony talking about Marc Ruffalo. God bless America!

Cute and wonderful

2009-01-16T08:35:00.004-05:00

Well, I'm back! It's weird. It's 2009. So far, so good.

One of my resolutions was to wake up by 8:00 AM even if I didn't have to leave the house. That's working out for me, but so far I don't really know what to do with myself when I wake up. I guess I'll figure that out next week.

Another resolution was to be kinder to myself. Sometimes, that means being unkinder to others. With this in mind, I would like to discuss some of the things that annoyed me most in 2008:

People who do not appreciate mysteries. I mean, maybe there is a wikipedia explanation for how the animals got to Prince Edward Island or what happens to "plastic" cups and forks made of corn and potato, but I don't need to know it. It is a mystery (to me), something to be meditated upon (by me) through the ages (of 2008). Respect is due.
People who do not appreciate "Drops of Jupiter" by Train as a karaoke song. If your initials are D.C., I guess you get a free pass on this one.
People who do not push the yellow tape on the bus door, causing the bus doors to slam shut in the face of the person behind you. Are you retarded?
People who wear their backpacks on public transportation instead of putting them on the floor so there is more room for their fellow commuters. This annoys me so much that I have learned to say "please take your backpack off and rest it on the floor" in both French and Spanish. Unfortunately I think it is mostly Germans and Northern Europeans who do this.
The g.d.m.f. 1 train.
Tokion magazine and the Creativity Now conference, and especially the special Creativity Now issue of Tokion that I accidentally read at the Palais de Tokyo. All the writing in there, it's like the "House of Style" (Cindy Crawford years) of art/fashion magazines.
Timid drivers who edge into my lane on the Williamsburg Bridge because they are... what? Afraid they'll run into a post and knock the bridge down?
People who "donate their status" on facebook to a particular political argument about the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, as if it's another presidential election with two (or three) clear-cut "sides," rather than the complex human rights and ethics issue that it actually is.
Self-absorbed PhD students that I have to deal with every day. There, I said it. Thank goodness I have Tuesdays off this semester.

Ugh, I'm kind of over complaining about stuff now. So over it. Next time I'm stuck on the 1 train at 96th Street for 15 minutes, I'm not even going to notice.

Pamplemousse au lieu de citron

2009-01-08T20:50:00.006-05:00

I have met the best ever Frenches and I will be sorry to leave! When I get home I promise to do an update with real photos, but in the meantime I will tell you what the French have made me less embarrassed to love:

les sandwiches
How I Met Your Mother
pudding
dogs
celery root
Aunt Becky from Sept a la Maison (Full House!!!)
Entourage, esp. Ari Gold (even though it is no use trying to explain to the French who Rahm Emmanuel is)
'Hos in Different Area-codes,' which plays constantly
Rem
Fanta

102, it's all true!

2009-01-04T11:51:00.000-05:00

I can't believe my 100th blog post was a Square One video, and I didn't even notice!! That's so 2008. In 2009 I'm going to try to pay more attention to these things.

Breaking with tradition, I had a really fun New Year's Eve, which included a party on a roof right next to the Eiffel Tower and an open bar including champagne and guava juice. Despite all the challenges I face or feel like I face, I am so lucky and grateful for the life I have, and it's this kind of night that reminds me.

I have been thinking about my mom a lot recently, especially because it's the holidays, especially since I've been staying in a place that is so rich with memories and feelings of her. It's been a year now since I last heard her voice -- since anyone last heard her voice -- and almost a year since she passed away. It is a loss that I don't think I will ever come to terms with, but every day that passes in reflection I feel a little bit more capable of living the rest of my life, and I think that's something.

My mom used to talk to me about a healing meditation where you imagine a river circulating through your body, washing away toxins and bringing new health. I think grief can be like that if you let it stagnate, so maybe by letting myself really feel it, I'm bringing myself closer to renewal, or at least practicing a little preventative medicine.

When my mom was in the hospital I stayed at my parents' place. Their DVD player was broken and so my dad and I watched a few movies in my (old) bedroom, on the computer, including "Me and You and Everyone We Know," which my mom had liked and my dad had never seen. I'm sure everyone has seen this movie 50 times, but I love this opening, which popped into my head when I was walking down the street a couple days ago:

"it's life, and it's happening, it's really, really, happening."

2009 is fine!

2009-01-02T10:13:00.003-05:00

That's my cousin and his daughter. As you can see, he's dedicated to the routine but she's all about the solo. Her ronde de jambe is pretty good, but her fouetté needs work... acceptable for a four-year-old!

EDIT Delia says: "i think she actually combines ballet, irish step, and indian at least... in that one move."

2008 in review

2008-12-24T20:19:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T20:01:00.001-05:00

This is from a speech that Martin Luther King Jr. made... maybe you will find it inspiring or clarifying as you think toward the new year:

This morning I would like to use as a subject from which to preach: "The Drum Major Instinct." "The Drum Major Instinct." And our text for the morning is taken from a very familiar passage in the tenth chapter as recorded by Saint Mark. Beginning with the thirty-fifth verse of that chapter, we read these words:

"And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came unto him saying, ‘Master, we would that thou shouldest do for us whatsoever we shall desire.’ And he said unto them, ‘What would ye that I should do for you?’ And they said unto him, ‘Grant unto us that we may sit, one on thy right hand, and the other on thy left hand, in thy glory.’ But Jesus said unto them, ‘Ye know not what ye ask: Can ye drink of the cup that I drink of? and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?’ And they said unto him, ‘We can.’ And Jesus said unto them, ‘Ye shall indeed drink of the cup that I drink of, and with the baptism that I am baptized withal shall ye be baptized: but to sit on my right hand and on my left hand is not mine to give; but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared.’"
...

Now very quickly, we would automatically condemn James and John, and we would say they were selfish. Why would they make such a selfish request? But before we condemn them too quickly, let us look calmly and honestly at ourselves, and we will discover that we too have those same basic desires for recognition, for importance. That same desire for attention, that same desire to be first. Of course, the other disciples got mad with James and John, and you could understand why, but we must understand that we have some of the same James and John qualities. And there is deep down within all of us an instinct. It's a kind of drum major instinct—a desire to be out front, a desire to lead the parade, a desire to be first. And it is something that runs the whole gamut of life.

And so before we condemn them, let us see that we all have the drum major instinct. We all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade. Alfred Adler, the great psychoanalyst, contends that this is the dominant impulse. Sigmund Freud used to contend that sex was the dominant impulse, and Adler came with a new argument saying that this quest for recognition, this desire for attention, this desire for distinction is the basic impulse, the basic drive of human life, this drum major instinct.

...

But I want you to see what Jesus was really saying. What was the answer that Jesus gave these men? It's very interesting. One would have thought that Jesus would have condemned them. One would have thought that Jesus would have said, "You are out of your place. You are selfish. Why would you raise such a question?"

But that isn't what Jesus did; he did something altogether different. He said in substance, "Oh, I see, you want to be first. You want to be great. You want to be important. You want to be significant. Well, you ought to be. If you're going to be my disciple, you must be." But he reordered priorities. And he said, "Yes, don't give up this instinct. It's a good instinct if you use it right. It's a good instinct if you don't distort it and pervert it. Don't give it up. Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be first in love. I want you to be first in moral excellence. I want you to be first in generosity. That is what I want you to do."

And he transformed the situation by giving a new definition of greatness. And you know how he said it? He said, "Now brethren, I can't give you greatness. And really, I can't make you first." This is what Jesus said to James and John. "You must earn it. True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness. And the right hand and the left are not mine to give, they belong to those who are prepared."

And so Jesus gave us a new norm of greatness. If you want to be important—wonderful. If you want to be recognized—wonderful. If you want to be great—wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. That's a new definition of greatness.

This morning, you can be on his right hand and his left hand if you serve. It's the only way in.

…

Every now and then I guess we all think realistically about that day when we will be victimized with what is life's final common denominator—that something that we call death. We all think about it. And every now and then I think about my own death and I think about my own funeral. And I don't think of it in a morbid sense. And every now and then I ask myself, "What is it that I would want said?" And I leave the word to you this morning.

I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others.

I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody.

I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question.

I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry.

And I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked.

I want you to say on that day that I did try in my life to visit those who were in prison.

I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity.

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace. I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. I won't have any money to leave behind. I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind. But I just want to leave a committed life behind. And that's all I want to say.

If I can help somebody as I pass along,

If I can cheer somebody with a word or song,

If I can show somebody he's traveling wrong,

Then my living will not be in vain.

If I can do my duty as a Christian ought,

If I can bring salvation to a world once wrought,

If I can spread the message as the master taught,

Then my living will not be in vain.

Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world.

Delivered at Ebenezer Baptist Church, Atlanta, Georgia, on 4 February 1968.

Cher James Franco,

2008-12-10T21:05:00.002-05:00

I'm in Paris!

I'm staying in a very nice apartment in the 3rd that belongs to some family friends. The first time I stayed here, I was 10, in 5th grade, and with my parents.

Anyways, here in Paris I have had many small adventures so far. First of all, I have gone grocery shopping. I discovered a chocolate bar that supposedly helps with PMS! I don't have PMS, but I thought I would try it anyway. I bought a bunch of prepared vegetable dishes in the kind of plastic packages that lunch meat comes in. I've already tried a few brands of yogurt. Oh, and I also bought a mohair beret at Monoprix.

Another new adventure is my French class. Today was my first day!

The morning was boring: we were talking about the parts of a house. There was one other American in the class, and during the break he told me he's a retiree from Michigan who lives on a sailboat with his wife. In two years, they're sailing back to North America to stay in the Caribbean. He and the other people in the class weren't that good, with the exception of one Filipina nun, who was proficient but bossy. She told me she'd lived in the U.S. briefly, but she said she had lived in "Wyoming, Michigan," so I didn't know what to do. After the class, the teacher asked me if the class was too easy for me, and I said no even though it sort of was... I guess I wanted to be encouraging?

The afternoon was a different group and less boring. We were doing a writing project that involved creating an imaginary charity, writing a letter to our local prefecture asking for an incorporation license, and then creating a web page. I was in a group with a Serbian aesthetician named Biljana, an Italian accountant named Massimo, and a Spanish guy whose name I forget. It was weird to realize that the four of us could only communicate in French, especially after my experience with the nun and sailor in the morning. Anyway, our charity was about donating clothes to children in Africa. It was called "Habiller les enfants." I didn't make that up. Our slogan, which I also did not make up, was "Couvrons notre future." It's a jeu of mots!

The Serbian told me that there was another American in the class, and pointed at him. He was young and looked kind of like the kid who plays Derek on Degrassi TNG. During the break, I heard him talking to the two African ladies in the class about how much he didn't like it when his American friends were too lazy to practice their French, and insisted on speaking English instead. This made me dislike him mildly, but I guess it might just be the kind of thing you'd say if you were trying to make conversation using your limited vocabulary and when talking to older women from a foreign culture. Right?

So, after class, I ended up talking to the American and this Kuwaiti guy who'd been sitting next to the American (their charities involved helping blind people and helping children who've been exposed to radioactivity, respectively). Obviously, the American insisted on speaking French, which annoyed me, and resulted in me saying, "I graduated from college three hours ago" and the Kuwaiti guy telling me that there are approximately 25 arrondissements in Paris when I asked him which one he lived in. Actually, I think the second thing was the Kuwaiti guy's fault, not mine.

Long story short, the American invited me to see a movie with him and his friends tonight, but I didn't go because I was afraid that I'd have to speak French all evening with a bunch of Americans in front of normal French people. That is where I draw the line!

More things have happened, but I don't have time to describe them right now. Would you visit me if I lived here? If you're not sure I'd invite you, you can comment anonymously.

25 years of my life and still, I'm trying to get up that great big hill

2008-11-28T17:48:00.002-05:00

Olivia
i just read an article about g n r suing dr. pepper. it mentioned buckethead so i looked him up. i feel like an old lady trying desperately to understand young people. this is just insanely ridiculous. i mean, a bucket? i would laugh but it's like does he have a learning disorder? maybe he's autistic or something?

Zoe
You are a genius commentator on our times!

Olivia
you know, i've never felt more distant from our times than i do right now staring at footage of this man.

I know this little place called Koo Koo Roo

2008-11-12T19:31:00.004-05:00

OMG, so many things have happened!

El Coyote had a press conference to explain why its owner donated money to Yes on 8. That sentence might only make sense to you if you live in California, but it sounds like the press conference was hilarious! Hilarious in any language.

The funniest part is how someone in the comments asks if the manager of the El Pollo Loco in Silverlake also donated to Yes on 8. Isn't that like asking if Wal*Mart donated money to the Republican party? What is Wal*Mart even up to these days?

Okay, so I got curious and I did a google for "El Pollo Loco Yes on 8," and according to the Christina Aguilera community bulletin board on livedaily.com, El Pollo Loco did contribute to Yes on 8. Personally, I am not surprised, but I think the real question here is how, in this day and age, the person who made the original comment didn't know that El Pollo Loco is a chain! I could understand if it was Poquito Mas (that happened to my brother!), or maybe even Coffee Cat.

I could tell you more, but I think I'm going home to watch Top Chef instead.

Math stories

2008-10-23T22:01:00.004-04:00

(Does anyone remember this assignment? I guess I must have been in 3rd grade, which means I was in Nancy "Desk Dumper" Torres's class. The pressure must've gotten to her because it seems like this is all we did all year:)

Zoe had 1 tiny bear. She got three more tiny bears. She then got 50 candy bars for each bear. She then had to eat each candy bar by herself. Her stomach grew 50 times bigger each time she ate 10 candy bars. Question: If her stomach was 26" [??? my stomach was not 26" when I was 8 [[and it isn't now, either]]] before she ate the candy bars, how big would it be if she ate all the candy bars?

Genalyn was babysitting for Zoe and Karen. She was paid five dollars an hour. She stayed 12 hours. Question: how much money did she make?

Kerda, Merda, Jerda and Zerda were all best friends. One day they got into a fight about how many fights they had. (They had 25 a week!) All 4 had different opinions! Kerda said 45. Merda said 59. Zerda said 35 and Jerda said 49. (They did, in the end find out, of course!) Question: Which 3 girls guesses were the closest together and who was closest to 25?

Next time: Spelling Stories! Here's a sneak peek:

One day Wilfred Brimley bought a yorkshire terrier and a white mouse. Both animals had twins that belonged to Brian Bonsall whose favorite toy was Snuggles the bear. Tina Yothers was babysitting him and suddenly the phone rang. It was Mackensie Astin! He said that he and Shannen Doray were calling lots of people from NBC programs and Jennifer and her 2 friends Karen and Zoe about a party...

I'll tell you

2008-10-11T12:47:00.004-04:00

I'm sure you guys all saw the season premiere of Degrassi: TNG last night, so I don't have to tell you how much I hate the new opening credits. But aren't you mad about what a big deal everyone is making about Mia being a model?

First of all, Emma was a Purple Dragon girl last season, and no one made a big deal about that! Granted, Purple Dragon is just an energy drink -- not as big a deal as being the new T-Popz sneakers girl -- but she did flash the entire school at an assembly!

Secondly, I think we are all forgetting about the original Degrassi Community School professional model:

Terri McGregor! Hello? Before Rick abused Terri and she got brain damage and was in a coma, she was a plus-size model with ads all over the bus stops of Toronto!

I've always assumed Terri was dead now, but a google search last night for photos of her bus stop ad campaign led me to a surprising revelation: she is alive!

Canada has private schools?

Anyways, I'm finally getting used to the new 90210. Even thought Adrianna has a really big jaw, I totally feel her pain. And I don't even get mad about the fact that Lori Laughlin's son is black anymore. But I seriously can't get into Naomi. She is just no Kelly Taylor. And, P.S., neither is that spunky, ambiguously ethnic undercover cop! Although I'm still kind of watching because I'm waiting for Kell and Brandon to get back togeths, I'm not mad about it.

What's going on?

2008-09-20T11:01:00.009-04:00

It's always weird when TV shows come back on TV in the fall and some people have gotten fat. I don't remember that ever happening in high school, but I guess I just went to a really good school.

Lots of people are becoming moms lately, and I think that's cool, but I decided to become an aunt instead. That's one of the reasons that I've been so busy. Having a baby in your family is not all fun and baby-proofing... it also takes a long time to pick out names and snowsuits.

Here are some blurry pictures of empty places and people standing around in Madrid:

My yellow bedroom

Coronel Tapiocca

Edificio "Limon"; Fumao?; Neko; et al.

Graffiti about graffiti

A festival for a saint

Ham bingo

In Spain it is only legal to hang around drinking on the street during Saint days. Drinking on the street is called botellón. Don't get too jealous of my Spanish abilities, I can teach you some other words.

When you are in Madrid you have to drink coke mixed with box wine in giant plastic cups. It's called calimocho. Another popular drink is box wine mixed with lemon Fanta. That's called tinto de verano. Try it at your next party!

Seven weeks of staying up all night (summer 1)

2008-08-30T08:23:00.003-04:00

Here's all the old news from the summer:

Abi got married! The ceremony was mystical and cute at the same time.

Nora, Pat and I drove to Prince Edward Island for Karen's wedding. Here's Nora in the loneliest McCafe WiFi Hotspot in North America.

Pat is telling his friend that we haven't gotten to Bangor yet, but we're still going to Bangor.

This is the bridge from New Brunswick (Canada, not NJ) to Prince Edward Island. $40 Canadian toll -- that's like $100 US!

They call it The Gentle Island. More like the Gentile Island! Just kidding. It was gentle and magical.

Everyone was camping on the beach except me and Delia. When we finally got there it was dark, and the campsite was a mixture of people trying to sleep (everyone) and people who think they're tailgating outside an R.E.M. concert (us).

The wedding was at Kirby's family's house, literally right on the ocean. My pictures don't really do the location justice! But I don't know if it matters, because is there anyone reading this blog who either (a) wasn't at the wedding or (b) has never been to a house right on the beach? I know that sounds like a controversial question, but I am almost sure that the answer is "no."

Weisses!

Lobstercaust

When we were driving home, Nora said, "I've heard this is the most robbed McDonalds in the U.S.!" Pat said, "does the Hamburgler live nearby?"

Then, it was time for me to go. Not to sound conceited, but people felt sad, like Francey.

And Eddie. Actually, I did not take this picture. It mysteriously appeared on my camera.

And then I was gone!

As I previously mentioned, I went to London Fields and hung out with this dog eating a beer can.

Buildings that look like owls in East London.

The edge of either England or France.

Spain
Spain started to look suspiciously like Southern California as the plane got closer to Madrid.

... And here, my troubles began.

Let's talk facts

2008-08-15T12:40:00.008-04:00

I have so much to tell you, such news!

But until I have some naps and some weekend:

Blowing kisses in the wind

2008-08-05T00:55:00.001-04:00

Liza: this is the best dinner ever. for two dollars and seventy-five cents i got two meals' worth of hot and sour soup plus a spring roll. i love china!!!!

Liza: dude check this shit out:

http://too-much-good.blogspot.com/

http://2-blond.blogspot.com/

what the

http://snapshots-of-sprouse.blogspot.com/

me: what the...

i think my customer service analyst Kathrine started this blog.

Liza: it's THREE BLOGS

me: i was talking about the sprouse twins blog

Liza: yeah but

me: oh wait WHAT

Liza: did you see all three links

THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT LINKS

me: i am dying.

Liza: i mean how many of them do you think there are out there!!!!!

me: that is a fine question.

Being on another continent means that when I have to wake up early for work, someone in Los Angeles is at a Dolly Parton concert or someone in New York is just getting home. I am really glad that I am on the same planet with you guys! For real.

I will be on your side today

2008-08-04T16:05:00.000-04:00

Analyst Kathrine is here. Status: working

user Zoe has entered room

analyst Kathrine has entered room

Kathrine>
Thank you for choosing TWC Live Chat. I will be your analyst today, how may I be of assistance?

Zoe>
Hi, thank you. I have a billing question.

Kathrine>
I'll be more than happy to assist you with that. Can you please provide the phone number, name, address (including apartment number) of the account you would like addressed?

Zoe>
Sure. The phone number is XXX-xxx-xxxx, the name is Zoe Xxxxxx, and the address is XXX _____ St. #XX.

Kathrine>
Thank you for that information, who am I speaking with?

Zoe>
This is Zoe Xxxxxx.

Kathrine>
Mr. Xxxxxx, for security reasons, I would need the account number.

Zoe>
Sure. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kathrine>
I have the account open now. You mentioned you have a billing question?

Zoe>
The question I have is, I paid my bill online this month because I've been out of town, and the friend who is housesitting for me just emailed to let me know that my service was disconnected.

Zoe>
I re-checked my records of the online payment transaction, and I discovered that the payment got credited to my OLD TWC account.

Zoe>
I moved on June 1st, and it looks like the old account is still linked to my online account.

Kathrine>
The account number & address you gave me matched the one on our database. Are you located at a different address now?

Zoe>
No. The old account number is slightly different -- it's XXXXXXXXXXXXOOOO

Kathrine>
Can you provide me with the old address too?

Zoe>
Sure. The old address is YYY W. Yth St., Apt. YY

Kathrine>
The acct# ending with XXXX is linked to Xxxxxx St address.

Zoe>
Yes, that's correct.

Kathrine>
The order was processed for the account transfer but was never completed. I will take care of that right now. I will also adjust the date so it will be disconnected on the same date you got your services installed at the new location. Everything else will be transferred automatically to the new account.

Zoe>
Okay.

Kathrine>
I will restore the service today too for Xxxxxx St.

Zoe>
Thank you!

Kathrine>
Service already restored for Xxxxxx St account. It might take about 5 more minutes for everything to come back on. I already completed the move-transfer account from Yth St. address.

Zoe>
Okay, that sounds fine. Thank you!

Kathrine>
Everything is taken care of Mr. Xxxxxx. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Zoe>
No, thank you, you've been very helpful. Is there a confirmation number for these changes?

Kathrine>
No confirmation number since no order was opened by me although I have noted your account regarding the transactions for their reference.

Kathrine>
You can just tell the representative for future reference that you have spoken to me at this time. I have saved all the information there already.

Zoe>
Great, thank you!

Zoe>
Have a good evening. Again, you've been very helpful. What a relief to have this taken care of.

Kathrine>
Do you also want to try the movie channel TMC on your account? We have it free for 1 month as a promotion right now.

Zoe>
No, thank you. Not at this time.

Kathrine>
Not a problem.

Kathrine>
Thank you for choosing TWC Live Chat. I'm glad that I was able to assist you today with your concern(s). Enjoy the rest of your day.

Zoe>
You too. Goodbye.

I got you this

2008-08-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

Olivia has to go soon but luckily little Stephanie is staying. Last night we went to a disco that looked like the inside of the Ukrainian National Home. People in Madrid have a lot of energy for going out and staying out late, but nightlife here is very innocent and cheerful.

Spanish phrases I know:
Something like that
Take it from behind
Can I have a transfer
Whiskey and ginger ale

T-shirt update:
Harry, Sally and Me
How am I supposed to know what's right?

I sure am going to miss being on the same continent as Olivia! Can you guys believe it's already August 3rd?

Madrid t-shirt update

2008-07-31T04:56:00.002-04:00

One that says:

"Are you ready for THIS?"

From Mango.

The Madrid Sound

2008-07-30T12:16:00.004-04:00

So far, Spain is full of:

bats
stray kittens
tiny coffee
tiny nail polish
t-shirts that say "ALLO OUI" and "CZECH IT OUT"
sideways closets
juice mixed with milk
wine mixed with coke
pickled white asparagus
ham mixed with pasta
ham mixed with beets
Mexican-smelling laundry detergent
tiny chairs

I know the word for:

slower
knee
ball
table
to-go
air conditioned
suburb
curly
nutri-sweet
wine mixed with coke
scrambled eggs
schedule of classes
hair dryer
scanner
forgot

Travel briefing

2008-07-24T23:37:00.001-04:00

According to Time Out, the greater Madrid area has very good water. My taxi driver from the airport was listening to Belle & Sebastian. Sandwiches here are not as good as sandwiches in the U.K., but the shampoo is the same. Oh, and did you know that the last Habsburg king was Charles II of Spain? He was retarded and had a big tongue.

People thought it was caused by sorcery.

So far, that's all I know about Spain. I told Charlie what I'd learned and it turns out he already knew about Charles II -- he's very knowledgeable about the Spanish monarchy!

I thought I'd be able to go to the mall to buy a hair-dryer when I got here, but all I had time for was bus-ing into the center of the town where I'm staying and buying a drink made with carrot juice and powdered milk.

Right now I'm in my residencia listening to music that other people are "sharing" through iTunes. Someone has: the entire soundtrack to Wicked, the NSync Christmas album (Home for Christmas, in case you don't know), both the live and album versions of "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield, entire albums by Rockell, Pebbles, the Postal Service, Broken Social Scene, Ryan Cabrera, Ryan TEDDER, Hoobastank, Air, and Daft Punk, the soundtrack to High School Musical II, a cover of "Umbrella" by Mandy Moore, a million songs that are from video games, and many other hits. Who is this person? 24=year-old Korean male? 37-year-old gay white guy? Spanish teenager at soccer camp?

The place where I'm staying has a lot of wandering cats. There's a little white one walking by my window right now, and I'm listening to someone else's Matisyahu mp3.

I think it must be a soccer camp teenager who has all this music, because there are five more "shared libraries" that also have the Postal Service and Metric and the soundtrack to Wicked, and what are the chances of that in a sleepy exurb in the middle of Spain? Total summer camp effect.

Yesterday I was in London, experiencing the best that Hackney has to offer. I sat on a blanket and watched a dog eating a beer can in the park, for example.

The day before that I was still in Berlin! I already miss it.

JD was in Berlin, and she took this picture. It is a picture of me learning that the German word for cervix is gebärmutterhals.

We berlong

2008-07-18T21:43:00.004-04:00

I've been saving this story up: Two days ago I was walking home from a haircut and on Houston and Elizabeth I heard a tiny child say, "Are we on the Lower East Side?" His mom replied, "I am NOT going to answer that question."

Now I'm in Berlin and it's fun. I guess I miss America, but the boys here are cute and the beer tastes better. Plus, I like how pressure-free my life is when I don't speak the language.

Is it really racist if I say that Berlin is kind of the Portland of Europe? I guess maybe it's more accurate to say that it's the Kelly Taylor of Germany. Or, maybe, the Coney Island of your mind?

Known and unknown

2008-07-14T22:16:00.008-04:00

There is probably only one person who grew up on the Lower East Side of New York City and decided that it would be a good idea to move to Winnipeg, Manitoba. Lucky for me, we used to get on the school bus at the same stop, which is how I ended up driving 840 miles (1,340 kilometers) in a rental car to Prince Edward Island this weekend to see Karen get married at her now-husband's family's summer cottage.

I don't know what you were doing on Saturday night, but I was making fingernail marks on Delia's hand and crying like a 14 year old girl watching "A Walk To Remember" as we witnessed the best wedding of July 2008. Ocean view at sunset? Check. Family-members singing Leonard Cohen song? No problem. Lobsters and lentil pilaf? Oh, no big whoop.

I'm not the first person to have this revelation, but weddings are just about the most fun thing that there is. I wish I could go to one every weekend! I am so serious and sincere about this that I can't even bring myself to make a single joke about Prince Edward Island. There is none to make. Everything was just perfect! Even Charlottetown was good because right when we were about to decide it was the most boring place ever, two guys dressed as Matthew Cuthbert walked down the street!

Now I'm back in NYC for three days before I head east once again, this time for Berlin, London, Madrid, and then who knows where. Seriously!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEBBIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-10T14:44:00.004-04:00

I know it's two days early, but I'm only human!

Never forget!!!!!!

Bittersweet!!!!

This blog entry is dedicated to the O-Town CD that Debbie keeps in her car. Love ya Debs!!!! Happy birthday forever!!!!!!

P.S., Everyone should go read Debbie's blog about Intervention.

Where do I belong?

2008-07-08T00:01:00.004-04:00

Tonight I was eating a salad from Angelica's Kitchen To Go, and there was a bright green beetle on one of the pea sprouts. The beetle looked happy and healthy, so I took the beetle and the pea sprout and dumped them out the window, and then I ate the rest of my salad.

As I was eating the salad I thought about how the world is really divided into people who would eat the salad, people who would throw away the salad, and people who would return the salad to the restaurant. I was thinking that I hoped most of my friends would have eaten the salad. Because otherwise, what good are they?

Right then, Eddie called me. I told him about the beetle. He told me that he'd had an experience last year with insect larva on a piece of broccoli from a Chinese restaurant. He threw away the broc and never went back!

I said that while I didn't blame him under the circumstances (worms plus cheap Chinese food), I still thought I made the right choice. I mean, Angelica's uses all organic and local food or whatever. So, chances are, that beetle didn't just hatch from some grubs that were laid on a broccoli stalk that had been sitting in the kitchen for too long. That beetle is probably from somewhere nice, like West Hurley or Ashoken.

Anyway, after that, I felt kind of mixed about eating the salad. I like to think I have the moral edge over the people who would just throw it away, but do I?? Maybe I'm just lazy!

And then I remembered the time that Mrs. Goldsmith made Karen throw her ice cream away at the beginning of science lab, and at the end of lab Kar got it out of the garbage again and kept eating it. That really settled everything for me.

Also, Charlie told me that he heard on the radio that every bottle of water that gets produced uses 1/4 of a bottle worth of crude oil! Even the kind they sell at Starbucks.

Dippity Do-ed

2008-07-01T11:41:00.003-04:00

I guess it's hard to stay bummed out when my favorite holiday is just around the corner! I can't wait for the fireworks and red, white & blue cake!

Did you know that Canada also has a July 4th, of sorts? And it's on July 1st! Does this mean that Canada became independent four days before the U.S.? I'm picturing it being kind of like V-E Day and V-J Day. But I'm pretty sure we would have learned about that in Social Studies if that's really how 1776 went down. I guess I should look it up on Wikipedia.

Anyway though, I'm going to a Canada Day barbecue tonight at Francey's house, and I made some potato salad and cole slaw. I used a combination of red and white potatoes in honor of the Canadian flag. I have some doubts about the cole slaw, but I see this as an opportunity to practice my cole slaw before the big day on Friday!

Did you know that there are new episodes of Law and Order Criminal Intent on the USA Network all summer? Well, it's true. Annie and I tried to watch one last week but we ended up catching a rerun instead. It was basically the craziest thing I have ever seen on television, except for Twin Peaks and that dream-within-a-dream Halloween episode of Facts of Life.

It was guest-starring Karen from the Wonder Years as an American Studies professor who bought really expensive shoes for this graduate student and pretended to have an affair with him so that he would kill the chair of their department. Or at least, that's what it started out being about.

I don't want to give away the whole ending, but during the five minutes that Annie was brushing her teeth, Karen Wonder Years turned out to be having a lesbian affair with another professor (played by the corporate lawyer from "North Country"), the graduate student got poisoned by peanut oil injected into his nicotine gum, and the detectives discovered that Karen Wonder Years was (a) Australian, (b) a former inmate in a Thai prison, and (c) impersonating an American Studies professor, not an actual American Studies professor. The detectives already made the joke about how she had lots of time to catch up on her reading while she was in Thai prison, so I won't. But anyway, it was crazier than anything Tootie Ramsay or Dale Cooper have ever dreamt.

Third quarter

2008-06-28T11:05:00.002-04:00

When my mom died my brother told me that I'd feel really terrible for six months, and then it wouldn't be so bad anymore.

All day yesterday I kept thinking, he's wrong, I still feel terrible. It feels worse now, I thought, it feels like my life is 300% harder and I'm 300% worse of a person. When I moved at the beginning of the month I realized I have boxes that I've been carrying around without opening since I moved back here from California. I finally opened one yesterday and it was full of the stupidest stuff: old xeroxes from a class I took in 2001, an empty Ikea picture frame, an unused day planner from 2000, a million really bad pictures from Las Vegas in 2003, unopened mail from when I lived in Los Angeles... There must have been a time (possibly 1999?) when I still opened my mail and didn't save broken hair accessories and Power Puff Girls snap bracelets given to me by old co-workers just because I can't deal with the decision-making process of throwing them out.

Plus, I kept thinking, how much does it suck that no one even called me on the six-month anniversary of my mom dying to tell me they were thinking about it? And that made me think of how obvious it is that people want me to be done talking about it and thinking about it. Am I going to turn into one of those people who everyone gets annoyed with because they can't stop dwelling on a tragic thing that happened years ago? But really, what else do I have to offer instead, as conversation? All I do all day is tutor ESL students, look at real estate online, and obsessively monitor my credit score. I guess once I go on vacation I'll do more writing, but who likes to talk about writing?

I rode home the L train and I couldn't stop myself from being lame and crying a little bit. It was awkward because the train was really full, and there were people that I vaguely recognized such as that one waiter from Angelica's, the one who stares a lot and has dalmatian-spotted skin.

And then this morning I woke up and realized that, although it is almost the end of the first six months of 2008, it has actually only been five months and one day since my mom died on January 27th. False alarm!

In other news, Ikea Brooklyn is just as annoying as every other Ikea, and there are mosquitoes all over New York, but at least people are still getting married in this day and age.

That's America!

2008-06-10T18:39:00.004-04:00

Is this appropriate? I can't tell. Is this what my blog is about?

Who do you think he hates more: Madonna, Mike Myers, or life?

Work is dead this week and all I've been doing is watching the grounds crew put up and then take down all these giant air conditioned tents around campus, and reading celeb gossip.

Did you know that today is Hoku's 27th birthday?

I'm doing this for us

2008-05-18T18:14:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I think there is nothing left to look forward to in this world, but then the world surprises me!

Is it weird that I never knew this existed? Did you know? Does watching this make you like Brad Renfro better?

Trilogy flavor

2008-05-18T14:05:00.003-04:00

I always get really excited about LADIES NIGHT, maybe because on television, people are always having ladies nights and getting upset because someone didn't come or someone didn't invite them or someone brought a dude.

So, I was really excited that I got invited to go with some girls from my school to see that "Sex and the City" movie. And then I realized I never actually saw the last episode of Sex and the City! Can you believe it? So, I watched it. It was pretty good. Now I'm less confused when I see the trailers for the movie.

But the point of this post is, how sad was it when those French bookstore workers made a party for Carrie and she never came!?! HOW SAD WAS IT.

But also, do you wish someone would make you a party? I love having parties for myself, but why don't we have parties for our friends who are visiting from other places more often? If you want me to, and if you promise you won't go to see a LIGHT INSTALLATION instead, I will make a party for you.

Anyways, I'm getting pretty excited about my summer. Here's what I'm doing:

Taking French classes
Drinking lemonade and kombucha
Going to Toronto, Prince Edward Island, Paris, Berlin, Madrid, and somewhere else TBA
Watching Abi, Karen and then Buffy get married
Something involving Debbie
Making a party for you!

Anticlimactic

2008-05-15T19:42:00.003-04:00

I have some karaoke ideas:

Okay, no I don't.

A Hair Affair

2008-04-28T11:53:00.016-04:00

I found all these old photos. Do you want to see them?

This was taken on the boardwalk in Odessa, right before I went to meet my new family in Texas. Just kidding, it was taken by Sabin in Santa Cruz in 2004. He said I looked like a recent immigrant from Eastern Europe with that shirt and hair. Sabin always takes the worst pictures of me on earth. Here is what has happened since then:

First, I had this job.

Then, I visited my mom in her office.

Then, there was a snowstorm.

Then I had this job.

Me and Charlie went to visit Debbie in Los Angeles. Iberians! We also saw Sabin and heard his housemate's electroclash band.

And then I went to visit Ned in London.

Then, there were all these red cars parked in a row across the street from my apartment.

Everyone got Brokebacked.
And then I moved, and some other stuff happened, and I got a new camera.

We had our high school reunion, and I forgot to turn the date thingy off on the camera, but I took lots of pictures.

And then I had surgery on my FACE and I took lots of drugs and sat around taking pictures of myself and drinking Vitamin Water for a week. You can't see the stitches because they were on the inside. The inside of my FACE.

Then I had this job.

And then got another new camera. And then I partied pretty hard with Olivia and I thought this picture was going to be purely amazing, and also that the top of her face would not be cut off. Wrong.

And then I took this picture of Eddie where most of his face was cut off but all of mine was there.

And you probably all know some more stuff that happened after that.

This has been the story of my hair and the world events that shaped it. Did you make some memories? If you want, you can tell me.

Plus

2008-04-21T11:22:00.002-04:00

I totally forgot to mention that I'm on the wagon. I decided it on Sunday morning, but then I had some margaritas on Sunday night, so today it's official. Here's what I'll need for my new lifestyle:

kombucha
new sneakers
yogurt maker
Nalgene bottle
nutritional yeast
screen-printing set-up

Don't worry, I already have some of those things -- all I really need is the new sneaks.

Could this be the time

2008-04-21T09:22:00.006-04:00

It's hard to believe that 2008 is nearly halfway over. I finally just bought a date book last week, and at the store, they already had 2009 ones. This has been my worst year ever, but most of it has just been days and weeks of waiting for something to happen or for my brain to be less sad and more into doing stuff. There's hardly been anything that I would have needed to write down in a date book to remember.

I went to a passover seder on Saturday night and the weirdest thing that happened was that to some people, the bitter herbs tasted like cilantro, while to others it tasted like Italian parsley. Traditionally it is supposed to be parsley, just FYI. Then after the seder I recreated Exodus and walked all the way from tribeca to the east village. It was very epic. I fell asleep in my passover garb two seconds after I got home.

As I was getting ready to go to the gym on Sunday morning, I realized my sneakers weren't in my gym bag! I had left my gym bag at a friend's house on Thursday night, and then I had picked it up on Saturday night. I called my friend to ask if the sneaks were at her house, but no. I called my gym to see if they were in the lost & found, but no. They were white New Balances that I bought in 2002 in an effort to jump-start the economy post-9/11, and I was two seconds away from buying new ones anyway. Do you know what this means? My gym sneakers got stop-lossed.

Our pineapple siestas

2008-04-16T11:30:00.002-04:00

Do you sometimes wake up in the morning wondering why fake meat sometimes tastes like bad breath?

Let me distract your mind.

My apricot complaints

2008-04-14T11:27:00.004-04:00

All the time I was growing up, we had mice in our house, and they would live in the oven during the summer so that the first time my mom turned the oven on in the fall, the smell of burnt mouse pee would fill the apartment. And I would be like "I told you guys that there were mice in the oven." And then we'd clean it out, but it would take weeks to stop associating mouse pee with the normal smell of the oven.

My housemate's cooking smells exactly like mouse pee. And the worst thing is, she is using my wok!

My strawberry afternoons

2008-04-13T18:37:00.003-04:00

You may know that I enjoy Rosie O'Donnell's poetry. Here is a new one from her:

back to long island
a stand alone borders
next 2 the california pizza kitchen
i love the hawaiian

Liza made me watch the trailer for Stepbrothers and it was totally worth it. In case you watch it and then feel sad that you can't actually see the whole movie til July, you are invited to come with us to Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo and that Sarah Marshall movie. According to both Liza and Charlie, people who are actually named Sarah Marshall are bummed about this movie, but I think they're full of beans! Take yourself too seriously much?

My tangerine priorities

2008-04-13T15:53:00.008-04:00

Sometimes in life we have a time-out where we spend many days in a row being really into a TV show or mad about the issues or "processing" our feelings, as people say in Northern California.

But sometimes life is like being one of those guys who simultaneously has investments in: a pony up in Saratoga, a modeling agency in Queens, a pet store in Yonkers, those vitamins that people sell in their offices, a "cash now for your home" situation, and a company that pays people to put advertisements on their family cars or lawns.

Do you know what I'm saying? You know, that feeling of having way too much going on and every single thing seeming weird and hard to explain. Such as:

Charging $2500 for a cremation onto the credit card of the person who got cremated, and hoping they will not notice that someone just paid to get themselves cremated, because I'll be screwed if the credit card gets canceled.

I guess that's actually kind of awesome. But still.

Oh, that reminds me (this story is kind of graphic so you can skip it if you want): when I was in New Orleans, I went to get a bikini wax at the same place my sister and I had gotten massages. Very unusually, I hadn't gotten one since late December, on account of family responsibility. Normally I go every six weeks. Not that I'm caught in some Beauty Myth situation, but I do like to keep things together, and I was at the point where all I wanted out of my vacation was some new clothes, a tan, and a bikini wax.

Annnnyways, I got a kind of weird vibe from the waxing lady right from the start when she was like, "you can put the paper underpants on over your real panties." In case you don't know, that's like wearing undies under your bikini. Pointless! How can you be a bikini waxer if you are embarrassed about seeing the private area? And then she was obsessed with talking about how she's from New York and how there's no good shopping in New Orleans, especially since the hurricane, and how there's this really good Brazilian waxing place in NYC that I should go to (as if!). And then at the end, she was like, "you should really come more often than every three months." I was so mad! I was like, "I would have come sooner, but then my mom died and I got super busy!" I mean, first of all, it's true, and secondly, if she's going to get personal, I'm going to get personal. And thirdly, if you are a bikini waxer, you should not be talking about my area as if it is some hardship to you. Let's get serious: I am not the problem. The real problem is still out there.

Oh yeah, I also forgot to say another thing that happened, which is that I made friends with a new friend who lives on my old street! Her name is Lisa and we basically have the same haircut except with different bangs variations. We went to Lit and I took these pictures of her. Just kidding, everyone knows those are pictures of me! It's due to our similar haircuts that I'm getting confused.

All of them all of them, all lined up

2008-04-11T11:36:00.008-04:00

You might wonder what I've been doing. Well, I will tell you.

Way back at the end of February, I went to a giant party called the Bouquat that happens every year. The theme was Nomadic Neuromancer. The decorations and food were really good. The jacket situation was not so good though, it was just a big pile of jackets, and somehow my keys fell out and I had to wake my dad up to let me in to his apartment to sleep on his couch at 3 in the morning. I called the number on the party invitation the next day, and the girl who answered had found my keys! I went back to Bushwick to get them and realized she was the dorm neighbor of my 1998 boyfriend. So, I stayed to help clean up, and we talked about how we were babies back then and how weird it is to imagine that we've had ten years worth of stuff since we hung out in that dorm (which is above the Blue Water Grill and which is probs luxury loft/condos now).

Then I went to Philadelphia to meet up with Erika and "drop in" on a film studies conference. Who knew about how nice Philadelphia is? Do people who live there really call it "Philly"? I'm skeptical. The conference made me really inspired about the future. (My future, I mean. Not the world's. Although maybe Philadelphia's.) The one minus was that one of my fave professors, who I always have lunch with when I go back to Santa Cruz, was at the conference somewhere, but I could never find her. Don't tell her I was there; she might be sad -- I know I was!

Then I had to come back to New York to go to my mom's memorial service. My dad showed up an hour late, which was especially fascinating given that he'd been super controlling about planning the whole thing. I had static cling on my dress, and I sat through the whole service worrying about what I was going to say when it was my turn to speak, because I had written my "remarks" on the subway and during the musical interlude at the beginning of the service. I ended up accidentally including some minor spoilers for season three of Veronica Mars in my speech, which Nora pointed out to me later, but mostly it went over well, and it made me feel good that people seemed to take comfort in what I was saying.

The next weekend was my birthday, and I cooked birthday dinner at my house with Charlie and Eddie for a bunch of people. It was fun. I realized the downside of hosting your own birthday dinner is that no one buys you dinner! But the upside is that people will just automatically start doing dishes for you! And then at the end of the night, you're already at home!

Then I went to New Orleans with my sister. It was good. I will say, my sister has a fancier system of traveling than me, and I felt like I had one too many $18 "vegetable plate" from a fancy restaurant. Also, I'm just going to tell you: my sister and I fought constantly and horribly. New Orleans is rad, though. I would not have thought to go there had Wendy not spoken so highly of it as a honeymoon destination. I think the best part for me was walking around by myself on Easter Sunday, watching an Easter Parade of fancy-looking southern families on floats dressed up and throwing beads and candy and saying "here you go, baby!" every time they threw something. I went to the Catholic church in the French Quarter and cried a lot about my mom, and then I went and sat next to the river and cried a lot more, and then I saw a tiny lizard, had a cute conversation with a cute anarcho-punk guy, and got iced coffee. Then it was time to go.

Then I came back to NYC and Erika visited for way too short of a time, and we ate some delicious food. And Karen visited, and we had a ladies night birthday dinner at Bonita that included a discussion about being popular in high school that, upon reflection, was sort of embarrassing and unproductive. And also, Nathan visited for many days and, among other things, helped me to dispose of the drug paraphernalia left in my old uptown apartment by my subletter who had announced, back on the day that I left for Philadelphia, that he was moving to London. Except now I'm wondering if "London" is code for "a crack den." It was sad for me to move out of that apartment once and for all, because decorating and organizing my apartment was one of the last major things my mom and I did together before she started getting sick. I kept the extra shelf paper, but I threw a lot of things away. Anyway, that apartment is history now, and I got my deposit back yesterday. And since I have class, which Luann from Real Housewives says is "a way of making other people feel comfortable," that is all I have to say about these matters.

So, now you know.

Everyone is trying to get to the bar

2008-04-10T00:25:00.004-04:00

What I'm into right now:

Real Housewives of NYC. The problem is, every time I try to talk about the hilarity of this show, I sound like an even bigger snobby, middle-brow jerk than any of the housewives. But for what it's worth, my parents did get me into their first-choice pre-school, so I think I have some authority, if not critical distance.

Staying hydrated

Getting rid of things

What I miss about 1993:

"Pavement Boy"
Tacoctober at San Loco
Autoclave
the Gap on St. Marks Place
youthful innocence
wanting to go to Scotland and Olympia
Canard and Co.

Lovely day

2008-03-11T22:15:00.005-04:00

Family style, 1981.

Older and far away

2008-02-20T23:08:00.008-05:00

Tonight I am cleaning out my childhood bedroom, which my mom "converted" into a place to contain her piles of purses, psychoanalytic journals, and failed electronics. I just found a credit card receipt that she signed from the Veselka, the restaurant across from my parents' apartment, that's dated December 28. She went into the hospital on the 26th. When I read that I thought, wait, has this whole thing been a mistake? It was like the dream I had, right before she died, that she came to my apartment to pick me up and drive me back to the hospital to see her. Then, I realized it was from December 28 2006. It's 2008 now!

Today I worked at my "writing consultant" job all day. Usually it's just helping undergraduates write essays for Core classes, but today I had mostly graduate students -- a big relief. Even better, they were all guys, and all cute. I know, you are probably saying to yourself, "this is a travesty, Zoe is not qualified to give advice to real graduate students." Well, I agree, but we live in an unfair world. At least I know that you "impregnate" a solution rather than "seed"-ing it, and that "World's Fair" is capitalized and has an apostrophe. At least there's that.

Yesterday I went to see a psychologist up at school. I was hoping she would give me some kind of emergency psychological relief package -- you know, some mood stabilizers, some coupons for Ben and Jerry's -- but no such luck. I told her I've been sleeping on my parents' couch for the past three weeks and that I'm freaked out about going home. She said, "you should go home." I told her I've been having trouble sleeping. She said, "you should go to bed earlier." I told her I think I might be depressed, and she said it doesn't count as depression if something sad has actually happened. The spin instructors at the gym I go are more helpful than that! Anyway, I was going to go home tonight, but then I didn't.

Do you have a style icon?

2008-02-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

Maybe you don't have one -- some of my favorite friends do not have style icons.

Maybe you have more than one. I have more than one!

Tonight I am going to tell you about Cindy Wilson. Cindy was my first style icon. For many years I have said that I love the B-52s, but I think it's actually Cindy that I love. When she's performing, she is fascinating to watch -- she's not "theatrical" like, say, Debbie Harry or that girl from Metric, but she conveys a lot of emotion and looks so cool. I also feel a connection to her because she's a Pisces vegetarian, and she had a big brother who was also in the band ('til he died). Plus, she sings "Hero Worship," which is one of my top five fave songs of all time.

But maybe you know all this stuff! Anyway, it was from Cindy that I learned about thrift store dresses, eye makeup, and the importance of having your own style of dancing.

First absurd, and then commonplace.

2008-02-14T17:45:00.001-05:00

Last weekend I discovered a cold-weather post-brunch alternative to looking at the dogs in the Tompkins Square Park dog run: looking at the rescue cats at PetCo on Union Square!

On Monday I took a spin class with my new favorite teacher, Derek -- he makes us do unusual yoga stretches at the end of class. And, he says "this song is really good, you guys" before every song starts. That new Cassie single is really good, though.

I went out on Monday night and Tuesday was hung-over alllll day. It was pleasant to go out but not 100% fun. I had this revelation about how old everyone is getting! Like, there's a definite generation gap between the people I'm used to seeing around and the 23-year-olds that are suddenly everywhere. The 23-year-olds are fatter, for one thing. And they have a lot more energy. I guess I was hoping people would start to seem more amazing to me now, if that makes sense, but instead, everyone seems less amazing than ever! And my friend who was DJing kept playing a party horn noise in the middle of songs, ugh.

Yesterday I suddenly got totally psyched about doing lots of work, which was almost a lost feeling in my life. Then, Antonia and I ate omelettes and went to American Apparel and talked about the evolution of our personal styles. I said mine is "'70s kindergarten teacher," and we also decided that hers is "'70s prep school student." I bought a cardigan at American Apparel.

Then, last night, I got a summer job offer in Madrid! And Princeton. What an embarrassment of riches. Figuratively, I mean -- the pay would not actually be that great. Then, today, I did more work. I think that's it so far.

Happy Valentines Day!

Any day now

2008-02-04T00:39:00.000-05:00

My mom passed away a week ago. I don't really feel like talking about it or writing about it. Today my dad said to me that he feels like he has to put on a performance of grieving every time someone calls him to talk about what happened. I agree -- whenever one of my mom's friends calls to check on me, or when people bring casseroles and pies over to my parents' apartment and want to hear about how I'm feeling, I have to fake it and make a little speech, and then they tell me I sound strong.

The truth is, I think I probably am strong, and I guess I will admit that it gives me a (terrible, smug) sense of satisfaction that I'm the only one of my dad's kids who's been reasonable and sensible about this whole thing, in spite of the fact that it's my mother -- not theirs -- who's dead. But it's also true that I would trade that sense of satisfaction for someone I could count on, or even just someone who would always be around to understand what I'm feeling and tell me I'm doing okay.

And, the truth is that I am doing okay. But I'm also not doing okay. I feel like I'm already working through things, but at the same time like I'll never get through this. I don't want to think about it, but I can't think about anything else. I don't want to write about this in my blog, but I feel like it would be wrong not to, and just as wrong to write about anything else. I don't want anything anymore -- to make something good, to fall in love, to become enlightened -- but I want tons of things -- a new house, a new car, new boots, a trip to London. It feels exactly the same as any other February of my life, any other week, but also like nothing else. I'm not sure if I'm even feeling the feeling or just feeling a feeling about a feeling that's still indescribable and inaccessible even to me.

I told my dad that I think we're traumatized. The thing is, next to the abstract truth that my mother doesn't exist in this world anymore, that she's never coming back, is the reality of the terrible illness that destroyed her body. And the reality of the last month of her life in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. I wish I could talk or write about the visions of my mother's sickness and death that are burned into my brain, but it feels too private. Like the things I said to my mom and the songs we listened to together on my ipod on her last days, all that stuff is stuck between her and me. No one else except for my dad really understands what happened, and as much as I can pretend that doesn't matter when I'm reassuring people about it, it does matter, and I can't imagine that there will ever be a time when I don't feel sad and angry about that anymore.

But I know patience is the thing. Like all feelings, this one is going to take time to develop. Something is changing in me, I think -- it must be. And in a month or a year or seven years I'll be able to look back and see that, no matter what else, today was the beginning of something.

TBD

2008-01-25T13:46:00.000-05:00

Things are still things. I feel bad that I've been talking to some people too much and other people not at all, and I feel bad for the people who happen upon my blog in a search for hedgehog photos and find mystifying boring-ness instead. I keep promising everyone that when there's something to tell I'll tell them, but for now I'm just waiting and trying to get my reading done, take my vitamins, have good posture, etc. Here are some things that I have realized:

Illness is kind of like a wedding: the "event" itself gets overtaken by family drama and logistical mini-crises.

Things that are easy for me to say aren't always easy for other people to hear/listen to.

If you seem like a person who is calm in an emergency, other people will feel free to unburden themselves to you.

It turns out no one should talk to me about Heath Ledger.

The hospital is never going to have any other kind of soup besides potato leek.

No pressure

2008-01-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

This week has been all about figuring out how to deal with a major situation without going nuts or feeling guilty later. From Preston Sturges I learned that simple entertainments are better than shopping, or something.

I really enjoyed watching this. Who knew that Ellen changed her set? (Debbie, I have just two words for you: Coffee Bean. Wait, three more: In Studio City. The dream is still alive.)

This one is really good too. Nathan sent it to me! Good eye.

Sometimes you can find exactly what you're looking for. On youtube!

I think that's everything for right now. Oh, I guess I'm trying to decide what color to paint my room, but that's a whole other story.

It's 11:57

2007-12-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

Can you remember what you did every year for New Year's? I think I have a pretty good memory for it:

2007 I went to Matt's brother's party and then Mara's house. I took the F train home at 6 AM.

2006 I had dinner at Anna's but left before the cops came to go to the party Charlie was having at his old apartment, and we went to Happy Endings afterwards and then Charlie blacked out and lost his cell phone in a cab and I took the 1 train home at 5 AM.

2005 I was sick, I had to fly to San Francisco to stay with my sister N. in the W San Francisco and as soon as I landed I found out that my grandmother had died. I had to start taking antibiotics the next day because the plane had caused a sinus infection.

2004 Mike came to Los Angeles to help me move to Santa Cruz, and then he got a ride back down to L.A. with my new housemate and my parents, brother and I went to Monterey and ate Italian food.

2003 I was going to San Francisco to visit Kelly but my car broke down on the Grapevine and my brother had to come pick me up in Valencia. He drove me back to Los Angeles, and we ate at the Poquito Mas in Studio City (which he thought was the only Poquito Mas -- it was on that day I told him it was a chain) and then he dropped me off at home and went to a party. I stayed home and watched a "Sex and the City" marathon.

2002 I finally passed my driving test that afternoon, and then I watched "Darren's Dance Grooves" with some of my Christian girl neighbors in Walnut Creek, and then we had a slumber party.

2001 For my first post-age 21 NYE, my sisters and I played Scrabble and went to see "O Brother Where Art Thou" at BAM. I slept over at N's house afterwards.

2000 Brian and I went to a party at Lesa and Josh's house, except Lesa and Josh were away, and Jeremy and Robby were housesitting. At the time we knew lots of people who had just moved to New York from Santa Fe and they were all there, being annoying arty southwesterners. Robby and I were worried that the world would end at midnight but when it didn't, he passed out in the closet. The party got out of bounds, aka it was a night of bad behavior and disillusionment.

1999 [I just remembered this] I was on a train, going from Chicago to San Francisco, with Brian. The train stopped for an hour in Denver and we walked through Historical Downtown Denver to find a wine store that would sell us some champagne. I remember being like, "I'll do the talking" because I was nervous that Brian would somehow louse up the whole deal and they'd ask us for ID if he got too involved. It worked out! Hmm... maybe that one was actually kind of magical.

Anyway, this year my mom is in the hospital and I have tons of work to do and it doesn't even feel wintery outside. But I'm convinced that New Year's Eve is not as downward spirally as it seems. I am flying to Buffalo on Sunday and then driving to Canada and I hope that there are more restaurants open in Toronto on New Year's Day than there were on Canadian Thanksgiving! But in case there aren't, I will be bringing Our Mutual Friend with me. Let me tell you, I'm engrossed, and I have 732 pages to go.

Bros bros bros

2007-12-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

On account of Christmas being canceled, Secret Santa was a bust this year, but my brother lives in Los Angeles so he'd already mailed his presents! To me! I hope his Secret Santa sent him something really good, because he got me the La Jetee/Sans Soleil Criterion DVD, a Maybelle Carter CD, and slippers. Don't worry though, even if Santa didn't come through for him, it's his birthday on the 27th and I got him a rad present of the Cassavetes Criterion box set and a mix CD! We are so alike, it's almost like we're related, you know?

Last night I went to Max Fish with my friend Andrew. Max Fish was packed, full of lots of dudes that Andrew is friends with and some girls that I am friends with and it was a pretty good scene especially considering it was Christmas, but I was a little bit bummed in general yesterday and it turned into one of those nights where time just passes by and you aren't sure what you were doing. Watching someone play Pirates of the Caribbean pinball? Talking about California, subway lines, love and squirrels?

Late in the night I put a bunch of songs on the jukebox, including this B-52s song "Strobe Light" that was one of my younger-years favorites. When the song came on Andrew was like, "I hate the B-52s" and some guy said, "the B-52s are kind of like the Cramps. If you have the Cramps, you don't need the B-52s." He was quiet for a minute and then he was like, "Actually, it's probably better that you like the B-52s. If I had a little sister, I wouldn't want her to listen to the Cramps."

Everyone will leave at exactly the same time

2007-12-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

Days like this, Times Like These, all I want to do is get in my car and drive to the mall. Drive to the Grove, to be exact, and park on the roof and look at the 360 degree panorama of Los Angeles (that no one looks at because no one likes to park on the roof) and then go shopping until I feel bad about how much money I've spent instead of the really sad stuff.

I know it's easy to make fun of, but sometimes the plastic things are the only ones that work. I think it's the smells that calm me down: the rubber and aerosol and burnt towels of the chain gym I go to, the new-clothes and carpet of shopping. And the bright lights, and the boring music. The same everywhere, always what you expect.

Someone sent me one of those "quiz requests" on facebook, and the quiz was called "Things You Wish You Had More Of." I thought: sweaters, tights, hair conditioner, perfume, headphones for my iPod, earrings. It turned out to be about personal qualities, intangibles: beauty, fame, creativity, intelligence. I thought, maybe I am unusual because all I want are some new CDs. Printer ink. Liquid eyeliner, strapless bra, gel pens. I don't care about athleticism or friends or fame or intelligence, I just want to be alone with shelves of tomato sauce, racks of dresses, cases of flax oil supplements and boxes of ballet flats. The most intangible thing I want more of is conveniently-timed spin classes.

Today I went to Banana Republic and tried on all the party dresses. It was quiet, most people had finished shopping I guess, and I spent lots of money. I went to Whole Foods afterwards. They were closing at 6:00, but when it got to be 6:00 there were still dozens of people shopping, including me. Whole Foods employees started walking around saying, "You better get in line, or the registers will be closed!" So I hurried and got on line, even though I was having trouble deciding on some vitamins. But then there was an announcement over the loudspeaker: We had 20 minutes more to shop. I felt cheated! I will just say it, because I'm in favor of honesty: it was hard for me to care about the Whole Foods employees who wanted to get home to their families.

My sister N. called me while I was on line. We went to see "Juno" last night, after our family dinner plan got canceled. She was just checking to see if I was okay, she said. She's going to visit her mom in the morning but she invited me over tonight to listen to the Rihanna CD she just bought.

I came home and rushed to the gym, but they were closing even earlier than they had claimed they'd be closing, so I only had like 10 minutes to work out. Rip-off! When I left, the girl at the front desk said "Happy holidays!" I think that's such a weird thing to say on Christmas Eve, isn't it? Like, obviously it's trying to be inclusive of people who don't celebrate Christmas, but if you don't celebrate Christmas, why would you care?

The secret clue

2007-12-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

I am still kind of sick but this morning I feel nauseous for a whole different reason: a few years ago I was asked to submit a piece of writing for publication in NYC-based magazine that mostly publishes visual art -- you know, photos, drawings, and 2-d installations -- but was planning a small fiction section. Getting asked to submit to something is kind of an ego boost, but it's also freaky: if my story turns out to be some kind of monstrous little creature, will they feel (more) obligated to accept it because they feel responsible for its existence? Is this just paving the way for some day in the future when I won't care if I'm making terrible work, because my ego will be so big?

So, I wrote the story and sent it in. Two years ago. Then, the magazine started to have some publication delays, which was frustrating at first but then became a relief. I knew, when I was writing the story, that it was inspired by autobiography -- someone who read it described it as auto-fan fiction, which has a narcissistic suggestion that I like -- but not until later did it occur to me that among the people who'd be receiving free copies of this magazine in the mail when it eventually came out were the ex-friend and ex-boyfriend who were the (veiled, thinly) inspirations for the story itself -- not in some lame and naive character-to-person correspondence way, just in terms of the story itself.

I guess I get so into the mode of thinking that everything can be inspiration for writing that I forget the danger: when other people recognize themselves, they also recognize me and realize something about me, about the things I hold on to, even about the things I never bothered to tell them.

Anyway, as much as I like to pretend I am, I'm not narcissistic enough to think anyone would be sure to notice my short story in a 300+ page magazine, or even 100% definitely recognize themselves in my writing -- I mean, people always just think what they want to anyway, right? I guess all I hope is that my story is good and that there are no weird editorial changes and that the community is not scandalized. I guess I will open this when I get home tonight.

Causes/effect

2007-12-17T19:44:00.000-05:00

On Thursday I went to a terrible class at the gym called "Weigh Hard Cardio." It was hard and boring. Then I took Mike, Belinda, and Belinda's fiance Aengus to that Pinter play "The Homecoming" -- a present from my dad. During the break Mike saw a guy helping his blind friend pee. I mean, he saw their feet in the stall. He said it was "intimate and nice." Creepy! Then Aengus heard someone say, "When I saw 'Lars and the Real Girl,' I thought: MUSICAL."

On Friday we moved a bunch of stuff to my new apartment and then I took a yoga class. I couldn't really sleep after that, so I stayed up all night packing. On Saturday I went to the library and graded papers at the coffee shop that uses sour cream as salad dressing. For some reason the only food they had was asparagus soup and banana bread, so that's all I ate on Saturday. I stayed up all night on Saturday again.

On Sunday we moved the rest of my stuff and I slipped in the sleet and fell on my butt on the stairs. Then I went uptown to meet the guy who's subletting my apartment. He seemed really lonely -- he is an 30-something who just moved here for school from California, and he seems to both (a) not know anyone and (b) not be capable of entertaining himself. I had told him I was in school and after about a half an hour of awkward "when can I leave" small talk, he was like, "wait, are you in graduate school?" I guess it's flattering, but I sometimes get annoyed when people think I'm an undergraduate! I mean, I do drink lots of water, but I don't think I look that young. (I guess it's lucky that my subletter thinks I'm adorable though -- hopefully this means he won't mind being exploited! Just kidding.)

I came home and made the bed (well, mattress -- I'm not getting my bed frame delivered til later in the week), finished grading all the Film Theory papers and exams, because we had a grading meeting scheduled for this morning, and then I fell asleep surrounded by boxes. This morning I woke up feeling like that corpse in Eastern Promises that washes up on the shore of the Thames. Seriously, I almost had to sit down on the floor of the subway, and then when I got off the subway, I had to sit on a bench on the platform for a few minutes before I could walk to the meeting.

The meeting was good -- the professor just got back from an awards show in China, and showed us tons of pictures -- and then afterwards I went to the Target right by my new place to buy toilet paper and slippers. I was still feeling pretty gross, so I sat down in the "Target Cafe" (which is also a Starbucks) for a little while after I shopped. After a minute, I realized something: everyone around me was retarded. Literally, Target was full of retarded adults.

I walked home and it was so windy. I swear, I have never felt such winds. I got home, put on my slippers, and then fell asleep for the next five hours. When I woke up I was all fevery and confused, and I felt like my entire body was going to fall off. Liza offered to come over and punch me in the face, but I declined because I couldn't imagine getting up to buzz her in. Finally, like an hour later, I forced myself to get up and take some advil and sudafed. I also found vitamin C and some forgotten zinc lozenges in one of my boxes, and then I started to feel better and one of my housemates came home and we watched two hours of "Scrubs" and I ordered Chinese noodles. Now I'm going to sleep.

Woman of mysteries?

2007-12-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

I had a sexy dream about Elisa from "Project Runway." Let me tell you, she was relentless.

I totally blame Olivia for this -- not in a lesbian way though, don't worry, pals!

If I'm paying for a llama I want to see that llama.

2007-12-11T01:17:00.000-05:00

Today was the last day of classes for the semester -- now I just have to finish some projects and grade a bunch of other ones. This leaves me time to think about... the holidays.

My family is a constant source of Christmas drama. We used to play Scrabble, but then one time my brother told my sister N. that she was taking too long to make a play, she thought he was antagonizing her and stormed off, and they didn't talk for almost a year!

We can't really have conversations about products or food, because my sister E. is active in the politics of veganism and boycotting China and she gets worked up.

My mother got tired of cooking every year, so she started getting dinner catered. Then last year N. decided she wanted to host, and she freaked out that she hadn't made enough food, decided to make brussels sprouts and burnt them -- three fire trucks came! My mother had to finish cooking.

Everyone used to get really creative about wrapping presents, until we started doing Secret Santa because E. wanted more money left over to donate to various causes (homeless cats, farm families in Peru, etc.). But then last year Secret Santa got kind of embarrassingly elaborate (for example, I got art), and that was the end of that.

This year we have a $30 present limit and we're eating at a restaurant in Brooklyn. If this was a t.v. show, my parents would get some cute foster children.

Wait, here's a good story: yesterday I was driving to Brooklyn with my dad. I was like, "I've never lived in Brooklyn before." He said, "Well, how does that make you feel?" I said, "I don't know. I think I just like saying 'I've never lived in Brooklyn before.'" Then we saw a big Grinch balloon hanging from someone's window. My dad said, "What is that, an alligator dressed as Santa?"

Things to do in New York when you wish you were in Miami

2007-12-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

I saw Atonement yesterday and it was good. Keira Knightley, she sure is a shiner. A real shiner. And that Dunkirk Beach long tracking shot scene? Pretty nice, pretty pretty nice. Whoa.

Here is what else I am looking forward to this weekend:

The Golden Compass !!!
Bread & Puppet Circus's The Divine Reality Comedy
Latkes with my parents
Juno
Sleeping in my new apartment
Maybe Margot at the Wedding -- everyone seems to hate it but I bet I will "relate"
More snow

In other news, I am super creeped-out by the trailers for Awake, and I don't understand how the same Chia Pet commercials that have been airing every Christmas since Newmark & Lewis and Nobody Beats the Wiz and D'Agostino's had the best jingles on TV (AKA in 1987) could still exist. Someone should just leave the master tape in the back of a cab!

Possible cautionaries

2007-12-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

I'm declaring a hiatus on fun until I finish this paper draft I'm supposed to be working on and get rid of at least 25 pounds (combined) of clothing, accessories and papers.

Last night when I came home at 5:15 AM, the doorman on duty told me he's taking pictures of "everybody" in front of our lobby Christmas tree and asked if he could take mine. I have found him sketchy ever since he invited me to a Halloween party, and I'm worried that he thinks I have some crazy lifestyle since I regularly come home super-late, but I didn't want to be rude so I said yes. Am I going to get sold into white slavery now?? I was wearing a giant ski parka with a furry hood, so hopefully there just won't be any buyers.

Today I was working at the library and when it closed I left to eat a salad at Chipotle. These girls who were sitting at the table next to me were having a whole conversation about Serena van der Woodsen and cupcakes from Sprinkles. I don't know either. One of them was on line right behind me as I ordered my salad, so I knew she was eating a burrito with chicken, extra rice, sour cream and guacamole and that she didn't say "please" or "thank you."

After I left Chipotle, I bought some celery and watermelon and came home.

Well that's the one that's not a vacation

2007-11-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

Oh, did I mention that I'm moving? It's all kind of a messy and crazy sitch right now, because I'm subletting my old apartment and moving and finishing up the semester all at once. But here's what's good about my new apartment:

My roommates are both "creative types."
Our building has a stoop.
I get my own bathroom, which has blue tiled walls.
It's right next to the Brooklyn Academy of Music.
It's right next to Target.
It's right next to the LIRR, with AirTrain connection to JFK! What a money saver.
It's not Morningside Heights.
It's cheaper than where I live now.
It's near practically every subway, including the G, which means it'll be easy to visit people in Carroll Gardens and Williamsburg.
It has a fireplace.
The landlord has the same name as my dad.
My bedroom window has an actual view, not just a view into the windows of another person's apartment.
I have a babysitting job lined up! Weird.

I'm moving most of my stuff next weekend and then moving myself the weekend after that! Just in time for a nice vacation.

Anyway, I was looking for "That's So Raven" music videos, but I don't think TSR fans are as technologically advanced as VMars fans, because the most intriguing one I found was set to "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I love Idina Menzel as much as the next person, but that's just not a good combo. This is better:

In case you were wondering...

2007-11-25T16:13:00.000-05:00

Molly had a rad Thanksgiving dinner. There was more food than could fit in one photo. I made the salad in the blue bowl and also the brussels sprouts pictured at rear. It was a real who's who.
We watched this.
Oh no! Not Laura Palmer!
I forgot my cell phone at home so Liza and I had to do Oxygen on-demand rokes. Then I met up with these dudes. We had brunch across from where Karen and I used to get the school bus. We all drank too much coffee. Mariko almost ordered a panini. Here we are after brunch, back for a visit to the rough streets that raised us. Karen lives in Manitoba now! And that is not an African nation, FYI. But I am the only one of us who knows how to drive.

No fake hand?

2007-11-16T14:45:00.000-05:00

One of my students asked me to give a presentation to a bunch of high school juniors about "the difference between writing in high school and college." I really have no idea what that means. I asked Liza for help with this right when this kid invited me to do this, and she told me something but we were drunk and now I can't remember what she said. So today I googled "high school writing college writing" and found that I am not the only person to have pondered this question, thank goodness.

In honor of this, here is more "best of my google search toolbar":

fake knee
famous jews andy warhol [it's a real art project, I swear!]
fenestration [is there such a thing?]
figueroa st, los angeles
flights to cuba
frank o'hara
french anagram
ways of knowing
weird war
what is a high angle
what is a script supervisor
what is the meaning of life
willowy
worldly

And here are some boring pictures.

I have a total fear of heights, although I try to keep it to myself, so taking this picture out my bathroom window was slightly freaky.

It's symbolic.

You got some grass on your chif-fon

2007-11-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Fashion is art, and art is fashion.

-- Santino Rice

The experiment has evolved

2007-11-13T21:08:00.000-05:00

I only watched three episodes anyway, but did anyone else totally lose interest in "Beauty and the Geek" after Erin and Jesse got eliminated? They were just the heart of that show. The heart and soul!

I know what you need to work on

2007-11-13T16:34:00.000-05:00

I'm totally lazy so here are some of my fave emails JUST FROM TODAY ONLY. Wild life, wild wild life.

1.

From: Bla Blablabla@myschool.edu
To: manypeople@myschool.edu
Subject: In the Name of Identity

Hi all -

A copy of Amin Maalouf's "In the Name of Identity" and a couple of
papers have been sitting mysteriously in my box for weeks, if anyone
is looking for them.

Best,
Bla Blablabla

2.

From: somekid@myschool.edu
To: me
Subject: Postpone meeting

Is there anyway to postpone the meeting until tomorrow sometime so I
can revise my draft a few more times, so I truely know what I need to
work on?

Hateration (interlude)

2007-11-12T15:58:00.000-05:00

Oh man. today I had the worst meeting ever with one of my students. I know I should not be discussing these matters in a semi-public zone but I can't help it! I basically forced this student to meet with me, because she never participates in class, she never comes to my office hours, and when I have the students do in-class writing she writes two sentences and then just sits there.

I've had shy students before. But this girl, she isn't shy -- she just doesn't care. She does not care. I said to her, "your work suggests that you aren't very invested in this class. Is that the case?" She just shrugged. I said, "your lack of participation is ultimately going to effect your grade." She shrugged again.

I just don't understand how you can get to be 18 or 19 years old and not know when to fake it. I don't mean "fake it" like the way that we're all "performing identity" everyday, I mean fake interest, fake a smile, fake a "what I want to work on this semester" paragraph. Just pretend you're something more than an overprivileged, overeducated waste of space. I bet the students at LACC or Erie Community College know how to fake it pretty well -- and they might even be psyched to take a class at an Ivy League school, who knows -- so why can't you?

Tylenol Cold is great

2007-11-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

Today I have to decide what time I'm teaching next semester. This semester I had big plans for a Monday-Wednesday-only schedule, imagining that I would have tons of fun things to do every Thursday through Sunday, but I ended up with classes starting at 10 AM Monday and ending at 6 PM Thursday -- the least luxurious graduate student program ever. Next semester I'm taking two classes: Directing IV, and Melodrama. I think. Who knows, really, right? But that's a Monday and a Thursday again! Why does this keep happening? I guess I could teach Monday and Wednesday mornings, or Tuesday and Thursday nights. But I hate teaching on Tuesdays and Thursdays! It makes the week seem longer. Wah wah wah.

Anyway, I'm trying to focus more on school and less on hanging out, although school isn't really making such a good case for itself. Maybe if I had my own study carrel... But now that it's the pumpkin-y time of year, hanging out seems magical and interesting! This is the best time of year for my hair, which puts me in a good mood, and everyone looks so great in their scarves and jackets. Even "Linus and Lucy" played on the radio in a bakery fills me with happy nostalgia and makes me want to see friends. I even got one of those peppermint mochas the other day! And I've been throwing down the extra dollar for name-brand whiskey lately, although that's probably mostly due to the influence of others -- I don't know if I can really taste the difference! Also, I've been thinking of reading Eat Pray Love. I've had it on my shelf since my birthday! I'm pretty much done listening to Paul Simon and Morrissey for the time being. Lately I've been listening to Beyonce and the Knife and Joni Mitchell, walking around and pretending I'm in an hour-long ensemble drama... it's always the season finale, and it's a cliff-hanger!

on a mission

2007-11-12T02:28:00.000-05:00

At the end of my first year in college I was the other woman in a best-friend triangle. Courtney, my new BFF, asked her former BFF Barbara to move out of the apartment they shared so I could move in. 325A Walnut Ave. was a 1 bedroom apartment. Courtney and I went to bed at the same time every night and slept in two little twin beds -- when one of us had a boy over it was always awkward, but that's another story. When I first moved in there were all these used tissues under the twin bed formerly slept-in by Barbara. Courtney reminded me that they were left-overs from Barbara's recent performance art piece in which she saved tissues from when she had a cold, chewed them up, and molded the wet paper into nose-shaped sculptures.

My point is, I'm sick! This rarely happens, but it's really true. Today I went to the gym and I started hallucinating while I was doing cardio -- I guess maybe I was oxygen-deprived, or just tired. Here's what I hallucinated: that it would be a good idea to make a video montage of the movie "Half Nelson" set to the song "Me and Mia" by Ted Leo. I actually listened to the song a couple times in a row, and I guess I was planning the montage in my head even though I can't remember actual scenes from the movie.

That's what makes it a "hallucination," rather than just an "idea."

Let me tell you something, Mel. To know Kelly is NOT to love her.

2007-11-10T15:42:00.000-05:00

OMG, I am so hung-over that I just ordered brunch for delivery. All that happened was a 90210 marathon at Matt's house! There's a drinking game that involves Jim taking off his shirt, Brandon leading Andrea on, anyone saying someone's full name, and maybe some other things. I was drinking white wine, and then vodka with Crush.

I threw up twice at Matt's house, then fell asleep on his couch, then Antonia and Eddie and I took a cab back to the west side. I remember Eddie saying "you guys have to get out of there" to Antonia when she told the cab driver "now we're going to Amsterdam and 1xxth St." Maybe I'll be less hung-over in general once I move to Brooklyn! Anyway, there are no pictures, but Antonia videotaped us watching the episode where Mel and Jackie go on their first date. Season 2, those were some good times...

Now I just have to stay awake long enough for my brunch delivery to arrive.

No more white wine in my life, ever, ever.

hubristic

2007-11-07T17:26:00.000-05:00

Whoa.

I was on the subway coming uptown from the gym, and at 42nd St a drunk-smelling dude pushed onto the train behind me. I refuse to ride the train with a drunk dude pressed up against my butt, so I moved around so I was looking at him. He was a chubby, middle-aged black guy with a mustache. He was hogging the pole that I was holding on to, so I gave his arm a little nudge -- just a little one, I swear! He said, "Don't fucking look at me. I'm not homeless. I'll punch you in the face. I'll punch you in the face." I said, "Don't say that shit to me." I put on my ipod. He said, "I punched plenty of white ladies in the face before. Plenty." I said, "Yeah, okay." I admit, I got a little aggro, which secretly makes me feel pretty good in those situations.

We rode in silence until 72nd St, and as soon as the doors open he broke. I thought he got off but turns out he'd gone in the other direction. He was getting up in this blond girl's face, and all of a sudden he pulled out a knife -- like a small garlic cutting knife. He waved it around and then waved it toward the brown-haired friend of the blond girl. She immediately started crying and actually I think she puked slightly and then swallowed it. The guy got off the train. He stood right by the doors; no one moved. The doors closed and the train pulled away. This other white girl went up to the targeted white girls and asked if they were okay; they said they were even though the brown haired girl was still crying. I asked if they were okay too -- it seemed like the right thing to do even though I had just heard them say they were.

All the white girls got off at 96th St to wait for the local train. No one else said anything. We all got off at 116th St and walked onto campus and off in different directions, and then I had to go to my office hours, so here I am now.

Are you watching? Are you?

2007-11-07T10:14:00.000-05:00

When I was little I used to get annoyed when strangers looked at me. I remember being on the subway with my mom one time, sitting on the corner bench on a crowded afternooon, looking up at the adults benignly watching my (adorable) 4-year-old behavior as they hung on to the strap above us. I told my mom that I hated it when people crowded me, that they should just mind their business, go stand somewhere else and look somewhere else. I can still picture the amused smiles on the faces of those hapless commuters as they looked for something else to look at.

I don't get weirded out as much anymore when people stare at me, but I get curious. You know how some days it feels like everyone you pass on the street recognizes you or something? On days like that I just want to stop people and be like, "What is it? Do I look like your cousin? Do I have something on my face? Did I do something good with my hair? What do you think of me, really?" Or even when it's just one person at a bar or a show or in a class, and you're looking at them and they're looking back, over and over until maybe you talk all night/fool around/spend the next year leaving toothpaste and shirts and books at each others houses and talking about the future... I still want to know (even though I never ask): How did it start? Was it my face? My outfit? My boobs? My crooked tooth? Were you impressed by who I was talking to, or what I was talking about, or what I was drinking? Was it just the fact that I was looking back?

On Monday I went with Charlie to my friends Andrew and Josh's party, HUGS. It's really taking off (there's even a biter party called Hugs in Brooklyn now, I saw a myspace bulletin about it) and this week was proof. The place was packed with familiar faces. There was a band playing downstairs called Realms, and we watched for half a song. I think they sound Thrones-y, but who really knows. Well, maybe the people who were watching for longer could tell you. The themes of the evening were: record release, birthday, going away to San Diego to see about a girl, and why Monday nights are always totally worth it. What else can I tell you, I'm convinced!

In other news, I have this idea for a project, and I need to know: when you are walking around jamming on your ipod/discman/SPORTwalkman, do you picture your fave tunes as a soundtrack to your life? Or is it more like you picture a music video? Or is it a skate video? Or is it actually a soundtrack to some story that does not star you? Or do you just jam on it and not picture anything? Actually, if it's that last answer, you should make something else up because that doesn't really help me.

When you're lost out there and you're all alone

2007-11-05T16:29:00.000-05:00

I guess this isn't a coincidence as much as it's just "something else that happened," but I've been watching the 3rd season of Weeds, and last night I got to this episode where Mary Kate Olsen is a guest star! I think she's recurring. She plays a seductive fundamentalist Christian hippie.

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman? The paperboy?

2007-11-04T18:41:00.000-05:00

This is getting a little ridiculous... for the second Sunday in a row, the yoga class I normally go to has been totally full! Today the teacher was turning people away! One girl looked more upset than I was, so you know it was a major situation. I didn't stick around to see what would happen.

I headed for home and on my way I ran into the woman whose two kids I used to babysit. Her son, age 22, is hitchhiking through Mexico after graduating from the University of Wisconsin and going on an anti-war hunger strike for 10 days in Pittsburgh. Her daughter, age 17, is taking book art classes and working at a bedding store after graduating from an alternative high school. Although those seem like normal adolescent behaviors to me, I guess those things are hard for a mom to accept, even if the mom is an artist who rides a bike. But I didn't really know what to say besides, "it's normal that you wish you could go to Mexico and find S., but you know you need to give him space, right?" I mean, that's just how life goes! One day you have some babies and on another day you realize that they're whole people with separate lives than yours.

Anyway, despite the fact that my encounter with her kind of bummed me out, this weekend and week have been pretty rad in general. I feel like I finally have more "me time," and also kind of like I semi-know what I'm doing. Maybe saying "I don't know what I'm doing" enough times just automatically starts to give you ideas. But also I think the 100% best treatment for my freaking out has been hanging out with people (friends, etc.) who are inspiring, caring, and awesome. I know this is just about the corniest thing in the world that I could say, and maybe it sounds like I just went to a Sri Chinmoy seminar, but it is so true.

Everywhere you look! ahhhh ahhh ahhhhhhh... Everywhere you look! shoo ba doo bop ba daaaaaaa!

This is the truth.

2007-11-03T11:43:00.000-04:00

I was out with Eddie, TGIF-ing on a weeknight. We were watching these Italian tourists dancing in a circle and singing along to Feist and The Gossip. They were all carrying their bags with them. I guess they heard that NYC can be a rough place! Anyways, this one girl had a really long and flat butt, and it was Eddie who noticed the (anthropomorphic?) resemblance.

Long story short: do you ever think peoples butts in tight jeans look like owls' faces? I asked America, and America spoke. Here are some highlights:

I will now! I always think of those 80s viewfinders

Great mental image. Now I won't be able to look at one without thinking that.

I must have a huge owls face then.

You're so weird ilu

Never thought of it that way before...

Now that you mention it

I see a photoshop experiment in your future!

late addition txt msg:
That had not occurred to me, no. But does it make you want to wear tight jeans so that your butt matches your necklace?
(I say: Yes, it sure does. I want a necklace like a butt.)
And who can blame you? Who? Who?

Hoo indeed.

backstage, underage

2007-11-01T02:01:00.001-04:00

Well that was an interesting night, the details of which I will never reveal. Here's what I was doing back in 1996...

I was so obsessed with that photobooth... on 10th and A, right down the street from Brownies. You could choose a background for the photos.

Here's to November!

Tacoctober

2007-10-31T15:21:00.000-04:00

I've been invited to a variety of Halloween parties it's true, but I'm wondering if I can just trick everyone into believing I'm at a different Halloween party than them and ditch completely! My costume is pretty good (a killer bee) but my bangs are officially too long as of this week, I have a pimple, which always seems dire to me, and I'm so beat! I feel like it's been too long since I hung out with myself -- just, you know, maybe some fro yo, some online shoe shopping, trying on all my clothes and then throwing them on the floor, daydreamin'... Maybe that's what I'll do, and maybe it's not -- you'll never know for sure!

In other news: goodbye October! We've had some crazy times, and I thought we weren't going to get along for a few weeks there, but we made it! See you again next year!

dog sleep disorder; futon new york city; captain singleton defoe

2007-10-28T18:14:00.000-04:00

I just realized I have no responsibilities starting at 1 PM this Thursday until 6:10 PM the following Wednesday! And I have a car! Now that is something to look forward to. Where should I go? What should I do?

Have you ever checked your "search history" on that google search toolbar on your computer? I just did, and it's pretty good. Here are some highlights starting with "a":

A throng of bearded men, in sad-colored garments, and gray, steeple-crowned hats,
a potato in situ
acute sore throat
african dog
age of consent new york state
akron catholic
albert ayler
annie actress
aoyama
antebellum
anxiety disorder
ashlee simpson
atopia
atopica
attachment disorder dog
audio documentary
autodocumentary

Either she pooped in a bucket or she didn't

2007-10-28T13:14:00.000-04:00

I thought that apartment in Greenpoint was going to work out, but then it fell through! I'm still looking for a place. Yesterday I went to look at an apartment that advertised itself as having three bedrooms/two bathrooms and wood floors. One of the bathrooms is private (aka only for the actress from San Francisco who was renting out the other two bedrooms), and the wood floors are actually that wood veneer tile stuff that you can buy at Ikea! Take your lies somewhere else, you cheating hippie! (Not that everyone from San Francisco is a cheating hippie obvs.)

I just saw this on Craigslist:

$825 Non-smoking petless girl to move into cool Williamsburg apt.

Reply to: hous-461266805@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-27, 12:44PM EDT

I'm looking for someone to take over my room in our awesome apartment one and one half blocks from the Grand Street (L) subway station on a quiet block in East Williamsburg. I'm moving because I got a job far away that starts at 7:00am and that's too early to commute from here.

The Apartment: You will pay half the rent (you can see the lease when you sign it) on a two bedroom railroad garden apartment. Your room is in front and has a higher ceiling (very high!) and a bigger closet and your roomate's room is in back and is attached to the garden. Of course you have use of the garden, but will have to go through her room (she's totally cool about this). The large garden is exclusively ours and the two twenty-something year old guys who live across the hall, but I've never really seen them use it (they're cool, but barely ever home). The apartment was renovated during the summer just before we moved in and is totally new and very nice (kitchen, bathroom, windows, doors, floors, paint, everything is new and nice!) The building is small-three floors with two apartments on each. Both bedrooms are large by NYC standards and are roughly the same size. The middle room (common space) is a combo/kitchen and living room and has very little in the way of furniture, so a small couch of yours may be welcome (you'd have to discuss that with your new roommate). Of course, anything you can fit in your unfurnished room is welcome. It easily and comfortably fits a full bed, dresser, desk, tv stand, chair, etc. Each bedroom has it's own private entrance/exit to the building's hallway. The neighborhood has plenty of stores (including Payless!!!) and supermarkets, bars, launrdy, restaurants, etc all very close.

The Roommate: She's very cool and easy to live with. She's clean and rarely home, as she's a teacher, has a serious boyfriend who lives two blocks away, and has a very active social life and goes out frequently. She's in her late twenties and funny, smart and stylish. She's girly (like she puts on twenty five outfits and elicits your opinion on each before going out) but she's not excessively so (she spent a month in Ecaudor this summer and stayed in some nice hotels, but also spent a good portion of that trip essentially pooping in buckets). She's also pretty hot, so watch your boyfriends! She likes to drink a nice bottle of wine and doesn't smoke weed, but doesn't really mind if I do, but no alkies or druggies, please. And she doesn't care if you socially smoke or whatever, but she'd like for someone not to smoke cigarettes in the apartment. She's not looking for a new best friend or anything and will totally respect your privacy and ask that you respect hers, and she's not looking for her clone, but she would like someone sort of like herself. In other words, you should be: in your twenties, fun/social, not dumpy or frumpy, not butchy or tom-boyish, well-educated, fashionable, relatively clean, have a normal job and be responsible with bills and rent. If you are not these things, please don't waste our time making us meet you and feel badly when we have to then giggle and smirk after you leave and come up with a suitably compassionate lie to reject you. I'm sorry to be so frank, but I don't want to waste your or our time and energy. Also, she has a cat and doesn't want anymore pets.

We're looking for someone to move in on December 1st or a few days before that.

Thank you for your interest...serious inquiries only.

This must be totally fake, right? There's so much to dissect: Writing in the 3rd person. So much excitement for Payless. No tomboys. But also no best friends. And you have to watch your roommate try on 25 different outfits while she's getting ready. Unless you leave secretly through your separate exit!
In other news, I went to see Morrissey last night and whoa.

Reader-Produced Issue

2007-10-26T19:55:00.001-04:00

For Columbia undergrads Halloween starts the Thursday before the actual holiday. For me, I keep wishing for more time! If you have costume ideas for me, please share them. What if I went as the little girl with the Thor helmet from Adventures in Babysitting? God, I feel lame just writing that.

Here, this is a 100% guaranteed cheer-up. When I was 13 I wanted to model the entire path of my life on this video. I wonder where this girl is now... if you have spare time on your hands please try to find out.

Also, I need a new ringtone for my phone. If you can't think of a good Halloween costume for me or locate the Dirty Boots girl, please just tell me what song my phone should play this fall.

Oh, a day spa!

2007-10-24T03:18:00.000-04:00

Did you know there's a whole genre of girl-in-car videos on Youtube?

I guess that is exactly who I would have pictured knowing all the words to "Last Dance With Mary Jane," if I had ever pictured it before.

Whoa, what happened to Katie?

Secretly

2007-10-23T02:59:00.000-04:00

Hillary Clinton totally reminds me of my mom!

What goes around comes around

2007-10-19T15:57:00.000-04:00

So, this morning I went to Greenpoint to look at that house, which I think I'm going to take, and it was interesting to talk to the owner of the house who is a mom and an artist whose art is all produced collaboratively with her husband. (I was going to write about that.)

I came home, and -- even though I'm totally poor right now until my mid-semester stipend comes in -- got a lentil soup from the coffee place down the street from me where all the people who work there are crazy. (I was also going to write about the crazy-people coffee place.)

So, I come home, reach my hand into the bag (which is a little soggy already because p.s. it's raining, and I actually bought a $3 umbrella in Greenpoint in response to this weather sitch, further compromising my budget) and immediately I am scalded by the soup -- the lid wasn't on right! So then I put the soup down, wash my hands, come back, pick up the bag again, and the soup spills ALL OVER THE COUCH.

It was just about the most disgusting thing I've ever seen (brown lentils on brown chenille), and also the saddest, and it could have become even sadder because my first thought was "I could probably save some of this" ("save" aka "eat"). But it seemed more important to save the couch. So, I did, although there is a pervasive smell of lentils in my apartment now, which, as those of you who enjoy lentils know, is not always the best.

And now I am forced to eat this disgusting vegan chicken salad that I got earlier in the week at Fairway and that tastes like all it's made with is celery and Miracle Whip. No joke, I think I'm going on a fast because the sight (and smell) of the lentils on the couch plus the taste of this fake chicken salad vegan mayonaisse crap is enough to make me hate all foods 4EVS!!!

IS THIS KARMA??? It's true that I have been slightly full of hate this week but I've done lots of good things too! Maybe I will meditate on this while I wash the lentils from my yoga pants.

Check it

2007-10-18T13:26:00.001-04:00

Charlie put all these photos from Wendy's wedding on his flickr page! I'm only in one, but that's okay! I was probably doing something fun while these pictures were taken, although the world may never know for sure.

I hope you're keeping some kind of record

2007-10-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

Twice in the last week I've been getting off the elevator on the first floor of my building and someone else (not the same person though) has tried to get on the elevator while I was getting out. Like, simultaneously squeezing through the door. Both times I fought back -- right of way, motherfucker! -- but both times also the person was so insistent. It was like a turf war. This morning the woman kept saying "sorry! sorry!" and then just trying to push past me more. I mean, why would you try to get on an elevator right when someone else is trying to get off? Have you never been on an elevator before? Who are you??? It makes me nostalgic for London, where "accidental" passerby violence against stupid pedestrians seems way more acceptable than it is here in the Poinciana.

I'm reading The Things They Carried for a class and I'm so not into it. Yeah yeah, it doesn't have to be true to be true, bla bla, trauma, communal memory, what's new? I get it. Plus, Vietnam is such a bummer.

Omens for right now

2007-10-16T02:47:00.000-04:00

Giant pool of blood on the 116th st. 1 train platform, with a few deli napkins scattered and a smears/drips trail leading up the stairs to the exit.
Tiny notebook left in elevator in my building, with coffee stain on spine and writing in pencil on first page only.
The song "Driveway to Driveway."
This text message:

r u in a truth ad?! Im engaged! Howru?